This was a hard weekend. I don't even know why. But it felt like I saw so many babies, I dreamt about so many people having babies, and watched too much TV with babies.
I had a follow up with the surgeon on Friday. My beta was at 47 on Thursday, so my doctor is very hopeful it will be at 0 by this week's draw. The surgeon was incredibly nice and was actually one of the people I remember most from that morning. She helped me take off all my jewelry, held my hand during the multiple attempts at getting an IV, called Aaron when I couldn't get a hold of him, and found him for me before I went in to surgery. Quite honestly, I had thought she was a nurse that morning just because of how caring and worried about me she seemed (not that doctors don't care...I just feel like the nurses are the ones who are more focused on the mental status of the patient, if that makes sense).
The doctor said that yes, I did have a ruptured ectopic. There was no doubt. I had over a liter of blood in my stomach that they removed. They removed the tissue in my tube, and sewed it back up. Apparently, the blood was coming out of my tube and into my stomach. She said that my tube was saved (which they had already told Aaron). But she was honest and reminded me that I'm at a higher risk for another ectopic now that I've had one. She also didn't think I was at the point of needing to go to an RE, but said (like my OB) RA of MI is an excellent place and I'll be well taken care of.
I keep second guessing my decision for going for a second opinion. All of my friends and family think it's a great idea. All of the doctors don't think it's necessary...YET. By the time, we'll be able to start trying again, we'll have been trying for 10 months. Which I know isn't at the majic one year mark, but again, I have a history. One that I don't want to repeat.
I think sitting in the waiting room was the beginnings of my rough weekend. It is a low cost clinic within the hospital. There were so many girls there who clearly were too young to be having babies. And so my pitty party started.
I just keep thinking of all the milestones I keep passing...Christmas - when we were supposed to tell our family the good news, my birthday - where I had hoped to have a baby before I was 30 and now I just hope to be pregnant by the time I'm 30, etc. etc.
I know that there are so many people that have it so much worse than me. I know that I still have hope where others may not. But it doesn't make it hurt any less. I've been praying about everything a lot to try and help me sort through the emotions. The "why me" and then the flip side of the guilt for feeling that way. I just really want to be able to enjoy life as it comes and not have it go by so fast living in these one month increments waiting to see if this was the month. I'm really really going to try and just slow down.
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