This is a hard post to write. And when I wrote the previous post about breast feeding, I had hoped it wouldn't end like this.
I saw the specialist on Wednesday and they really didn't have any answers. They still think I have a problem with yeast so Zoe and I are being treated. But there were no answers why the other issue isn't healing.
After too many tears to count and several mental breakdowns, I just can't do it anymore. I'm not enjoying my time off. I dread whenever the clock gets close to her feeding time. And it's too hard for me to coordinate pumping and feeding her all day when I'm home by myself. I know that Zoe can feel my anxiety and tell I'm upset.
For now, I plan to nurse her during the middle of the night feed. I may or may not continue to nurse her at her 8 am feed as well. And I'll pump every 4 or 5 hours during the day and slowly stretch it to decrease my milk supply. We have enough milk stored that we should be able to make it to 2 or 3 months before she'll be exclusively on formula. Right now, I'll do every other bottle with formula and the next with breast milk.
Deep down, I know that I did the best I could. I really, really tried. And no matter what, she does have the benefit of some breast milk even if it's not the full six months like I had hoped.
And I have the best support system. I have really struggled with feeling like a failure throughout all of this. I think that's one of the reasons why I have been so afraid to stop. But everyone has had such kind words, helpful tips, and reminded me that I did everything I could and I need to be happy too. Zoe will still be smart, she'll still be healthy, and she'll be happy (and so will her mommy).
Now the only challenge is to get her to be a little less fussy when taking the bottle. She seems to think she can drink more than 3.5-4 oz and I know that at her age, her tummy just isn't that big. And she fights every time we stop and try to burp her (give me more food mommy!). I'm hoping that as we keep giving her bottles, she'll start to realize and remember that there will be more.
i had all of those same feelings about breastfeeding. except my issues were that i wasn't producing enough to feed her. i stopped at 8 weeks too because of the anxiety around it. it was too hard to nurse because she wasn't eating and i couldn't manage to figure out the rituals of pumping either. so, please don't feel like a failure, you are just normal! but, i know how you are feeling. just take some time. :) at least you have so much surplus! that's awesome! you know that any breast milk is awesome for baby, so you did a great job. :)
ReplyDeletealso, we stopped burping sienna very early because she would only cry if we stopped feeding her. it probably led to more puking, but at least we didn't have to upset her!