Letter to Beckett

Dear Beckett,

It's so hard for me to grasp that it's time for me to go back to work and you to start daycare.  It seems like just yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital.  Like with your sister, things started out a little tough.  I was more prepared this time and knew things would get better, but those early months were hard.  But then you just lit up.  You went from crying all of the time unless you were being held, to being so content and one happy baby.

I feel so fortunate to get to be your mommy.  To have spent the last six months with you at home, not having to work.  Your smiles and giggles make my day.  I've been able to watch you grow from this tiny little newborn who ate, slept, pooped and cried to a six month old who is chunking up and jabbers nonstop.

Going from a family of three to four has been crazy and chaotic.  The schedule we had down pat was thrown out the window.  But I wouldn't trade what we have now for one second.  You've been the most amazing addition to this family little man.  We've figured out our new normal.  

Picking you up in the morning and having you smile, burry your head in my shoulder, and then "tell" me all about what you want to do for the day is the best start to my day.  Those snuggles mean so much to mommy.

I'm going to miss you buddy.  Weeknights will be crazy.  But I'm going to eat up every second I have until it's bedtime.  And I'll soak up every day of the weekends.  I know this time a little more of what to expect.  I know that your naps will probably be terrible at school.  You probably won't eat exactly at the times I would have fed you.  You might even be a little sad when we drop you off.  But…I know that you'll grow to love your teachers as much as we do. You'll be sad to have to say goodbye to them every time you get bigger and have to move to the next room.  You'll make new friends and eventually tell us all about who you played with and ate lunch with.  

I know you are too little to remember our time alone together.  But I hope you can sense the joy you bring to our family and how much we all love you.  

I love you buddy.  Please don't every forget that.

xoxo,
Mommy

Ramblings

Written March 28, 2014

I took a test on a whim.  After all of my usual spotting, I thought for sure it would be negative and we'd go on with life.  But I guess deep down I knew that it just might be positive.  I've just felt...off.  The cheapo test I bought a while ago for when we'd actually be trying this summer was positive.  And of course I was out of the good ones so I had to make a run to the pharmacy.  Which is exactly what happened when I found out we were pregnant with Zoe :)  And then I try to force myself to go to the bathroom again to test.  That expensive test?  Positive too.  Ready or not....here we go again!

I have so many emotions swirling around in my brain.  I hate that our experience in 2011 has tainted my excitement.  I hate that I have to wait for blood results and ultrasounds to make sure everything is ok before I can really embrace this baby.

But I knew that once I got the ok from the doctor, the excitement would bubble over.  This was definitely not in our plan (at least not for a few more months), but obviously God had something different in store for us :)

Thankfully, my sister was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G and could care less about the bridesmaid dress and was just down right excited for us (and happy that she now has an excuse to come home for Christmas this year :) ).  Davids Bridal is exchanging the dress at no cost so we are good to go.  Thank you stars for aligning!   

But how will Zoe take this?  Right now, the wheel of fortune as my doctor calls it puts my due date at November 16ish.  Which means Zoe will be JUST over 2 years old.  Right now, everything is all about "MINE!" and she gets very, very jealous if I even attempt to hold another child (as in I have to try to hold the other child PLUS her).  But how fun is going to be for them to grow up close in age?  They will LOVE LOVE each other.  I just know it.

And of course I have a million and one other worries surrrounding some of the hiccups I had the first time around.  

BUT...there is a tiny, squishy, newborn smelling baby in our future.  I get to snuggle that stinker tight and this time, I know exactly how fast it goes.  So I'll be sure to hold on extra tight.  Because before we know it, this baby who's just a twinkle in my eye right now will soon enough be a crazy, loveable toddler.

Our Little Diva

I knew it would happen eventually.  There was no way we'd escape the whiny-ness or the "diva" moments.  After all, we have a girl and she's my daughter ;)  But Zoe has become very opinionated recently.  She squawks often, she screams when she doesn't get her way, she's even started to throw herself on the ground sometimes.  And I'm so not ready for this.  I don't have a book for this stage!  (That's for you mom.)

It's all so new that it's often quite funny, and I have to work hard to hide my laughter.  Zoe can really understand a lot, so I try my best to explain why she can't have something or redirect her to stop the tantrum.  My guess is that a lot of these "moments" happen because she's frustrated that we don't understand her.  She can say a few words now, but most aren't very helpful to understand what she wants.  I know this must be an extremely hard time for her - she can understand us but we can't understand her.  I can't wait until she can say more words to get her point across.

I've noticed that it's the worst on weeknights when I'm home by myself trying to get her dinner ready.  She's cranky from a long day at school.  It's extremely close to "I'm starving mom!" time.  She just wants to be held but it's rather difficult to make dinner for her and hold her at the same time.  So I spend most of my weeknights trying to give her activities that will keep her busy for the 15 excruciatingly long minutes it takes me to get her dinner ready.  Unless it's something new and exciting (like giving her a can of soup to play with - I know, thrilling), she usually ends up sobbing at my feet with her arms outstretched and I feel like the worse.mom.ever.  She gets an afternoon snack at school so I try to tell myself she can't be dying of starvation.  I just feel horrible seeing those big tears come out of her eyes.  Not to mention, she's clumsier the more worked up she gets so she usually trips over her feet or bonks her head on the cupboard or something.  I've tried giving her something small to eat while I whip her dinner together, but then she's not hungry for dinner and getting good food rather than a snack is important. 

Then there's her milk or maaaa as she calls it.  All bets are off once she sees that sippy cup.  I've started hiding it from her until she eats real food first.  This girl will chug her entire cup before touching her food.  If we take it away, her life is over and she sobs hysterically.  There is no reasoning even though she knows we'll give it back after a few more bites.  Thankfully, she understands that once it's gone, she can have water but mo more "maa."

I guess we'll just go with it and hope that as the roads get better, Aaron will be able to get home sooner to help provide some relief. 

But thankfully she's all smiles once her belly is full.

Please Remember

To my little Goose,

Tomorrow is the big day - your first day of daycare.  I can't believe it's already here.  These past six months have just flown by.  They say time flies when you have kids and it is unfortunately oh so true.  It seems like just yesterday you were this itty bitty newborn, but instead you are such a big girl already who laughs and smiles and talks to her toys nonstop.

I've had a hard time these past few days processing exactly what this all means and how our days are going to change.  I know as time passes, you'll love going to school.  You'll make tons of new friends, you'll be excited to see all three of your teachers.  But I can't help being upset about how much I will miss.  So far, I was the first one who was able to see all of your firsts.  Your first smile, your first real, belly laugh.  And now it's going to be someone else.

I know you are much, too little to remember any of our time together over the past half of year.  But please know that these six months were the best ever.  You changed our lives in such a big way when you came into this world and I wouldn't give one second of it up for anything (even on your worst days ;) ).  

I'll always remember the look on daddy's face when he finally saw you.  I'll remember the sheer joy at watching you learn so many new things about this big world that is all so new to you.  The way that your giggles turn me to absolute mush...and how you laugh at the strangest things, but we'll go with it :)  The way that you have the biggest smiles when we come get you in the morning.  The way that you go for a bottle likes it's the last time you'll ever eat.  And the list goes on and on.

Tonight daddy is traveling for work and I got to put you to bed.  So, I rocked you a little longer and smelled that fresh bath smell.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I told you how special these six months were and how much I'll miss you.  And I told you over and over again how much I love you.  Please baby girl, don't ever forget that.  Even though I can't be with you all day anymore, you are still my little Goose.

I love you Goose.

xoxo,

Mommy

Less Than One Month

Sunday marked one month until our little goose starts day care. The first four days are just trial runs for us. We can drop her off and pick her up anytime. I'm purposely scheduling things for myself so that I can keep busy while she's there and I haven't gone back to work yet. I'm just dreading it. I'm excited to see everyone. I'm excited to have adult conversation during the day. But I'm going to miss the heck out of this little girl.

Breast Feeding Part 3...Nearing the End

This is a hard post to write.  And when I wrote the previous post about breast feeding, I had hoped it wouldn't end like this.  

I saw the specialist on Wednesday and they really didn't have any answers.  They still think I have a problem with yeast so Zoe and I are being treated.  But there were no answers why the other issue isn't healing.  

After too many tears to count and several mental breakdowns, I just can't do it anymore.  I'm not enjoying my time off.  I dread whenever the clock gets close to her feeding time.  And it's too hard for me to coordinate pumping and feeding her all day when I'm home by myself.  I know that Zoe can feel my anxiety and tell I'm upset. 

For now, I plan to nurse her during the middle of the night feed.  I may or may not continue to nurse her at her 8 am feed as well.  And I'll pump every 4 or 5 hours during the day and slowly stretch it to decrease my milk supply.  We have enough milk stored that we should be able to make it to 2 or 3 months before she'll be exclusively on formula.  Right now, I'll do every other bottle with formula and the next with breast milk.

Deep down, I know that I did the best I could.  I really, really tried.  And no matter what, she does have the benefit of some breast milk even if it's not the full six months like I had hoped.  

And I have the best support system.  I have really struggled with feeling like a failure throughout all of this.  I think that's one of the reasons why I have been so afraid to stop.  But everyone has had such kind words, helpful tips, and reminded me that I did everything I could and I need to be happy too.  Zoe will still be smart, she'll still be healthy, and she'll be happy (and so will her mommy).

Now the only challenge is to get her to be a little less fussy when taking the bottle.  She seems to think she can drink more than 3.5-4 oz and I know that at her age, her tummy just isn't that big.  And she fights every time we stop and try to burp her (give me more food mommy!).  I'm hoping that as we keep giving her bottles, she'll start to realize and remember that there will be more.

They Say It Takes a Village

I love being a mom.  Zoe is the most amazing little human being, and I can't believe that she's ours.  I'll do just about anything to see her little smiles and those cute stretches she does when she's first up for the day.  So incredibly precious.

But this mom gig?  It's hard work.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I know we are incredibly blessed, but it doesn't mean I can't have my bad days.  Because I'm human, and I do.  And it doesn't help that it's slowly moving into winter which means we are stuck inside unless I can come up with a random errand to run.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing people surrounding me.  Aaron has been incredible.  He knows I'm home all day by myself and need a break sometimes at night even though he then doesn't have a chance to relax after work.  He's listened to me cry about everything more times than I can count.  My mom, my best best friend, her older sister, and everyone else that calls, e-mails, and texts to check up on me.  I definitely couldn't do this without the love and support of so many friends and family.

Earlier last week, my best friend sent me the perfect article about being a mom and the good and bad days which was so perfect.  And Saturday, we got out of the house and went to visit with friends.  Many of them are moms, so naturally, the women were chatting about how things were going, etc. and I was honest about how it's tough sometimes.  As one girl was leaving, she gave me a big hug and said, "You're doing great."  And I really needed that then.  I know that Zoe loves me and I'm doing the best I can.  But it's nice to hear it from someone else too.

So thank you to my village.  While my "village" may not all be in my immediate area (reaching all the way to Cali), I'm lucky enough to have the best people in my life.  I love you guys!  Now if only, we could work on getting everyone living near each other again ;)

Breast Feeding Part 2

I wish I could say it's all butterflies and unicorns now.  I would have thought that at SEVEN weeks postpartum, I should be able to say that.  If we only talked about one side, those are some pretty gorgeous butterflies.  But unfortunately, there are two boobs and the other side is a two headed dragon and just won't.get.better.  Ugh.

Zoe now nurses on the left like a champ.  No shield required.  I can barely even feel that she's doing anything (don't worry, I listen for the swallows so I know she really is doing something).  I can reach for things that I need, I can blow my nose (yes, colds have been going around our household), etc.

Then enters the right side.  I dread every time I have to switch to that side.  It makes me completely dread when the clock gets close to the next time to eat.  It's completely toe curling, bring water to my eyes pain.  I'm popping ibuprofen like it's my job.  It's not getting better and it's been SEVEN weeks.

I had my six week postpartum checkup on Monday and had her look at it then.  White spots had shown up which she concluded were yeast.  So now I'm treating a yeast infection (which started the weekend before).  She didn't say much about the other trauma, but to be fair, I didn't ask and I don't think it was noticeable while I was there.

After yet more sobbing fits yesterday to the OB nurse, my lactation consultant, my mom, and Aaron (yes, there were a lot of tears), I had another appointment today (I sobbed in the exam room too).  The doctor still thinks it's yeast even though the white spots are gone.  Our new plan is to take the yeast medicine for the next 14 days (she upped the dose).  She also prescribed a new cream to use.  If this isn't starting to help things heal by mid next week, I have an antibiotic I can use in case it's a bacterial infection.

So far, the cream has been much better than the other one I was using.  I'm also going to pump a bit more this weekend while Aaron is home and can help give a bottle.  This should help provide a little relief while things (hopefully) heal.

Let's hope this does the trick.  Fingers crossed.  Who knew this would be probably the hardest part about having a baby for me?  Let's hope that there is a "Part 3" to this saga very soon and it's ALL butterflies and unicorns...

Breast Feeding

I was told this would be difficult and we just needed to get through the first 2 weeks and then we were in the home stretch.  I had no idea this would be the MOST difficult part about having a baby.  We have really struggled and have just started getting into the swing of things  I can't even tell you how many times I've been in tears, literally bawling, because I didn't know if things would work, because of my pain and discomfort, and on and on.

I was worried about breast feeding even before Zoe was here.  And of course, those fears came to light.  She latched on right away when they put her to me after delivery.  From then on, we struggled.  The nurses attempted to help, but they really weren't very helpful.  The lactation consultants were so busy, they weren't able to come in and help until our second day there.  And of course Miss Zoe wasn't really ready to eat then.  Therefore, I was pumping and we were spoon feeding her the colostrum I was pumping.  I left the hospital with instructions to call to set up a lactation appointment once my milk came in.

I did my best to feed her in the meantime with not really knowing what I was doing.  She wouldn't latch on to my left side so I was exclusively pumping that side.  I finally coordinated it so that I could pump and feed her at the same time.  Since she was taking about an hour to eat, this was a lifesaver.  Of course, the hospital couldn't schedule me until the following week once my milk came in so I was doing what I could.  This resulted in so many tears.  I was so close to giving up several times.  Aaron gently reminded me why I was doing what I was doing (which I will admit, made me mad sometimes...I know he meant well though).  My mom made sure to tell me that no one would be mad if I decided to stop.  I was determined to make it work though.

I'll spare the gory details, but let's just say that my right side was pretty bad.  The lactation consultant said it wasn't the worst she'd seen, but close.  Well, when you don't know what you are doing and can only feed your child from that one side, I wanted to ask what she expected.  Thankfully, I'm on the mend and it's getting much better.  It was to the point I had anxiety once I got close to the 3 hour mark when she'd have to eat again.  It was such severe pain.

The appointment went ok and we had instructions to use a shield on the left to get her to eat from that side, pump 5 times during the day for 10 minutes after her feedings, and use gel soothies to help my wounds heal.

I then had a personal lactation consultant come to the house a few days later.  She was also super helpful.  Between the two appointments, we've gotten into a good rhythm so far.

At 2.5 weeks, we are using the shield on the left to get her to latch.  I've been told I should be able to ween her from this eventually.  I'm pumping usually 2 or 3 times in the morning after she eats.  It got to the point in the afternoon that I couldn't keep up with her demand and pumping.  I was running out of milk and needed to supplement with a bottle which in my mind defeated the purpose of pumping.  I then pump one last time before I go to bed and Aaron gives her that bottle before he goes to bed.  That way I can get a little more sleep since he stays up later than I do.  This has been awesome and I so appreciate his help.  He also takes care of her if she's super fussy late at night.  She had one bad day where she was fussy all afternoon until about 1:30 am.  He completely took over when he got home and stayed up with her until she fell asleep so that I could get some rest.  Poor guy had to go to work the next day.  But yeah, he's awesome :)  I'm so lucky that he's so willing to help.  It's still a little painful to nurse on the right but not nearly as bad as it was.  We've started using the shield on the right in hopes that it will heal a little faster.  I just pay attention to her swallows to make sure she's taking the milk.  There were a few times that I had to take it off because she wasn't really swallowing with it.

She's taking anywhere from 30-50 minutes to eat.  This should get faster once she gets a little older and isn't so sleepy while eating.  Right now, I'm taking her swaddle off at night and feed her for 20-30 minutes.  Then I change her diaper and feed her some more.  Then we put the swaddle back on and she goes back to bed.  Taking the swaddle off and then the diaper helps to wake her up a few times.  During the day, I strip her down completely and change her diaper, feed her for 20-30 minutes then put her clothes back on and feed her some more. She hates getting dressed so this helps to wake her up a second time :)  I've been promised that this will all get faster in the coming weeks.

Are things perfect yet?  No, I don't think so.  But, they are a million times better from where we started.  On the bright side, I have some milk in the freezer already from the pumping I've been doing :)  I'm glad I've stuck it out so far.  Now, I'm just praying that my supply increases enough since the doctor said she should be eating about 4 ounces per feeding by the end of this month.  That seems like so much!  If I pump, I get about 3.5 to 4 ounces from both sides so I'd have just enough.  I know though that my supply should increase over time to meet her demand.  Her birth weight was 7 lbs 15 oz and she's now up to 8 lbs 4 oz which puts her right in the 50th percentile for weight.  I can handle that :)  The doctor hopes that she's up 2 lbs when we are back for her one month check up.  Fingers crossed we get there!

The Birth Story

I really had no idea what to expect when it came to delivery.  I knew of my friends' stories, I knew of the stories I saw on TV and movies, but you just never know what your story will be.

Saturday, October 27, we went out with friends to have dinner and watch the Tigers in the World Series.  I left the bar a little early and went home to watch the game from the comfort of our couch in my PJs (the bar is within walking distance).  I told Aaron to stay out and have fun knowing this would be one of our last child free evenings.  He came home around midnight and thankfully hadn't drank much at all considering what was to soon follow...

I woke up around 3:30 am with bad cramping.  This had happened a few nights before so I didn't get too excited.  Then I started waking up every 10-15 minutes with time able cramping.  That was when I got my hopes up just a little.  By the 4:00 hour, I was having contractions, not just cramping.  Aaron woke up around 5:30 or 6 am when I was doing my breathing.  He was much more calm than I thought he would be and rubbed my back when I needed him to.  I decided at 6:45 am that it was time to get up and get ready to go.  I showered and finished packing my bags and Aaron did the same.  By 7:45 am when we left the house, my contractions were about 3 minutes apart and extremely painful.

We arrived at the hospital and get checked into triage.  This part was the worst by far.  They monitor you to make sure you are far enough into labor to stay.  The machine wasn't accurately capturing my contractions, so to the nurse, they looked 6 minutes apart which they would send you home.  I knew they were closer than that since I was obviously in severe pain.  Finally, the machine starting tracking them at about 3-4 minutes apart.  They also check your dilation to make sure you are progressing.  Now, they did this at my past two doctor's appointments and while it was uncomfortable it was not bad at all.  Umm...what they were doing to me in triage was sheer torture and so painful.  They did their best to do it in between contracts, but it was still bad.  At this point, I was 4 cm dilated.

They finally admitted me and pain relief was in site.  I worked on my breathing and staying calm while waiting for the anesthesiologist.  When that doctor walked in the door, I could have kissed him.  I fell in love instantly (not really, but close...) :)  I thought the epidural would be painful but they numbed the area first and I could hardly feel anything they were doing.  I could still feel the first contraction but it was much more manageable.  Then I couldn't feel the second at all.  Such amazing relief.  I give serious props to women that do this naturally.  There is no way I ever could have.

At this point, I tried to get some sleep.  I talked to my aunt on the phone.  My parents also stopped by for a little while.  I had to gently kick them out since I knew I was getting close to needing to push.  The doctor came in to check my dilation and I was 8 cm just before my parents got there.  The doctor came back after they went to get lunch and I was at 10 cm and +4 station.  Definitely go time.

The pushing was by far the worst part.  I knew the only relief to the pressure would be to actually deliver the baby.  And I knew that could take hours.  My doctor assured me though that it would go much faster since I was at +4 (+5 is crowning).  And yes, it was painful.  I'll spare the details :)

After about an hour and half of pushing, baby Zoe made her debut at 2:40 pm (less than 12 hours of labor)!  The doctor let Aaron announce the gender.  We were so incredibly in love with her instantaneously.  Aaron and I both cried.  They put her on my chest immediately while Aaron cut the cord.  He went over to watch her get cleaned up while they put me back together.  I did not have to have an episiotomy but I did have a second degree tear and needed stitches in the front and back of my lady bits.

My parents came in once I was all cleaned up and Aaron's parents made it to the hospital right then as well.

It really was the most amazing experience and so worth all of it.  I would do it all again in a heartbeat to feel that instantaneous love.

And so begins the next chapter of our life...

Daddy's Little Girl

Aaron was very attentive throughout the pregnancy and I knew he'd love this little baby and be a great daddy.  But I definitely was not prepared for the flood of emotions I would feel when watching him with his little girl.

It's amazing how you fall in love with someone and know you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.  Then suddenly, in an instant, this new little person that the two of you created comes into this world and you now look at your husband completely differently.  I never knew that I could love him any more than I did before.  Yet I do.

Seeing him with Zoe brings tears to my eyes every day.  The nicknames he has for her, the cute voice he uses when talking to her, the way he always wants to hold her, and is so worried when she cries.  Unfortunately, he has to go back to work on Monday.  The other night, he realized it was already Thursday and said he has no idea how he's going to leave her Monday morning.  Melt.my.heart.

And that's just with her.  He has been such an amazing help to me.  He was up with her several times into the wee hours at the hospital so that I could get my rest upon his insistence.  He has taken care of dinner every night, taken care of Wally, ran errands, gotten up with her and I at night even when he doesn't have to, and so much more.  I have no idea how I'm going to do this alone once he goes back to work.  I wish we could stay this little family of four each day for the whole 6 months I'm off work.

He also surprised me with a gift in the hospital.  I was definitely not expecting this.  He made it very clear for several years that he thought "push presents" were silly.  And I would never expect him to get me a gift.  But he came back to the hospital after playing with Wally and pulled out a little, teal bag (every girl knows what that means).  He bought me the perfect pearl earrings from Tiffany's.  Now I can finally get rid of the not so lovely everyday earnings I had that were about $5 :)

I can't wait to watch Zoe grow up with her daddy.  I love them both so much.

Welcome Zoe Louise Taylor

I'll post more on Zoe's actual birth story soon, but to tide you over.

Zoe Louise Taylor made her big debut on October 28, 2012.  Weighing in at 8 lbs and 20 in long.

I never knew you could love one person so instantaneously and so much.  She is the most precious gift and so worth the 9 month wait.  My heart just literally bursts.

I know that some of the tears are due to the hormones, but I find myself getting very emotional.  Watching the cute little faces she makes in her sleep.  Watching how peaceful she is while feeding.  Every hiccup, every little body jerk is just the cutest thing I've every seen.

39 Weeks: Watermelon

How big is baby: Baby is the size of a watermelon this week (oh how I miss them...) 18.9-20.9 inches and 6.2-9.2 lbs. 

Stretch marks: No.  

Sleep:  Pretty much unchanged.  Hip pain.  Waking up at least twice to go to the bathroom.  Still really hard to roll over.   And the World Series starts tonight which means I'll be attempting to stay up later.  We'll see if I can make it through the whole game!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions:  Fruit and sweets.  Apples are now my staple. 

Exercise:  Walking. 

Gender: We'll find out in a few days/weeks!  We're ready any time now. 

Movement: All the time.  Still some rather uncomfortable jabs to the right side.  More and more hiccups now too.  

The belly:  Definitely there.  

What I'm spazzing about:  Nothing really.  I'm nervous in general, but not about any one thing in particular.  It's weird, but right now, I'm not really nervous about the delivery.  But don't worry, I know I will be soon enough.  I'm more nervous about the recovery.  I'm just so ready to get my body back in shape and I know that I'm really not supposed to work out until at least 6 weeks pospartum.  I'm hoping that I'll feel up to walking at least.

I'm also really worried about nursing.  I hear so many stories of people giving up, people who physically can't do it for one reason or another.  I know they say the first two weeks are the worst and I just need to make it through that period.  But I'm so worried it's going to be really bad even beyond that point.  I have tons of books I've been reading and have another I need to get to which will hopefully help.  And I have several friends who have offered great support and told me to call whenever with questions which is so nice.  I just need to have confidence that I CAN do this.  It's what's best for baby, plus I get the added bonus of saving money and hopefully shedding the weight faster :)  


What I'm loving:  Being so close!  While I have my moments, we are definitely excited and ready :) 

Symptoms:  Sore hips at night.  Still some reflux but it's gotten better.  Cramping and more and more braxton hicks contractions.  Swollen feet and ankles.  Pretty much unchanged.  The cramping was really bad last night.  So much so that I thought maybe it was the start of labor, but I was able to fall back asleep each time I got up and obviously nothing now.  Oh well, the time will come eventually. 

I progressed a little from last week.  I'm now 3 cm dilated.  Baby is at a -2 station so the head is dropping. 

What I'm looking forward to:  Baby's arrival!        

Best moment of the week:  I saw a woman at work, and she just kept telling me how great I looked.  I don't really know her and don't see her much at all, and she said she saw me from behind the other day and had no idea I was even near my due date let alone one week away.  She said you couldn't even tell I was pregnant.  I definitely like hearing that :)

Reality Check

I went to get ready to post my 35 week post ON TIME last night and then I couldn't use the camera...maybe I'll be able to get to it tonight after our hospital tour...or maybe it will be super late again when I'm almost 36 weeks. 

Regardless, I had my 35 week appointment today.  And I had all of these questions written down about all of the braxton hicks contractions I've been having and when I should start worrying about them to make sure I give the hospital enough time to stop them.  Because oh my gosh, I'm only 35 weeks and this baby isn't technically fully cooked until 37 weeks so surely they will stop labor.

Ummm...NO!  I was completely wrong.  The PA looked at me before I even got to that question and said emphatically, "Girl, we aren't stopping anything now!"  She's very spunky, and I completely love her, and wish she did labors.  But I'm pretty sure the look on my face was, what?  I'm not ready yet!

Granted, there have been no signs that this baby will come early, minus the cramping and braxton hicks.  But nothing consistent that should worry me.  But you know me, I worry :)

To sum it up, OMG, this just got real!

Letter to Baby

Dear Baby,

In just over 5 weeks, we'll finally get to meet you.  Unless of course you decide to stay cozy a little longer.  In two short weeks, you'll be fully grown and ready to come out according to all of the books.  Mommy and daddy might prefer that extra three weeks though to get a few more things done and to relax once busy season is over at work :)

I've always dreamed of being a mommy.  I carefully dressed and styled each and every one of my baby dolls when I was little.  Reading and rocking them to sleep and having tea parties. 

I was probably ready a little earlier than daddy to become a parent, so of course, I had to wait a few more months.  Little did we know what would lie ahead in our journey to you.  The road was filled with a lot of bumps, some small and others that were extremely large.  But we made it.  And all of those worries, heartaches, and tears that were shed are going to be so worth it.  Because in the end we get you.

I'm trying to soak up these last few weeks of you growing inside me.  I'm trying to savor every stretch and kick (even the ones that are little uncomfortable) and not wish the time to go by too quickly.  Mommy is a worrier and this pregnancy has definitely given mommy a whole new set of worries.  I just want to hold you and count all those fingers and toes and know that everything really is ok.  And I know once you are here, that worrying won't stop.  It will just be a whole other set of worries.  But we'll get through it.

We can't wait to meet you Baby.  Mommy and daddy love you so much already.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy xoxo

Third Trimester

Holy crap....you read the title right.  I am now in the third trimester!  That means I am two thirds of the way through this pregnancy.  Just about 3 months left to go.  Am I starting to freak out?  Slightly.  How is Wally going to handle being a big brother?  He does great with kids, I just don't want him to feel unloved since our attention is going to be shifted.  How will Aaron and I handle this new addition into our lives?  How will we handle running on no sleep?  Etc, etc, etc. 

It's just so hard to fathom that I'm going to be The Mom.  No more looking to someone else for instruction or handing back a crying baby.

But thankfully, those moments of anxiety are few and far between the moments of excitement.  I can't wait to meet this little person and love all over those squishy little newborn cheeks.   

Current to do list:
- Sell my old car
- Buy Etsy prints for nursery and frames for the prints
- Buy rug for nursery
- Nursery DIY art (not sure yet exactly what we want to do, but I have a few Pinterest ideas)
- DIY mobile (made with love by Aaron)
- Interview pediatricians (dates scheduled)
- Tour day cares (this whole 6 months off has been a curse in this department)
- DIY guest room desk (Aaron said this is on hold because of the car in the driveway)
- DIY crib skirt? (not sure if we'll actually get to this so I have a backup on our registry)
- Have ducts cleaned out
- Ottoman for nursery, nursing stool? (undecided as of yet)

This seems so long...but I know it's significantly trimmed down from where it started.  And thankfully, a lot of it is just for looks and the baby will survive just fine if we don't get some of it done.  We'll get there :)

Scared....

I have a very anxious personality.  All of my friends know that I worry ALL.OF.THE.TIME.  And being pregnant is no different.  I often wonder if I'd worry so much if we didn't go through what we went through back in the late fall/early winter.  I'm sure I would still worry somewhat - it's my personality.  But I find myself going to the bathroom every 30 minutes just to make sure everything is ok.  I have to do relaxation techniques when I start to feel crampy or have a backache. All of the normal pregnancy symptoms make me feel like I might be miscarrying.  I am so thankful we see the specialist so often.  Going one week seems like an eternity.  I can't imagine having to wait several weeks.  Wednesday we go in again to hopefully see the heartbeat.  I know that everything at this point is out of my hands.  I have been trying to think positive thoughts and have been praying a lot.  I just wish I could stop worrying.  Only one more day until the appointment...let's hope it goes by fast.