Going Back to Work

We now have a whole new "normal" to figure out now that I'm back to work.  I felt like I was JUST getting the hang of being home all day.  I was finally in a really happy place.  Zoe was finally in a happy place (thank you end of colic!).  We had a good schedule going and the weather was finally turning warmer.

Enter the end of my six month leave.  Suddenly, I now have to get myself ready in the morning plus feed a tiny human.  How it takes me so long to get out the door, I have no idea.  I only have to give her a bottle, and Aaron takes care of the rest.  But some days her sheets are gross and I have to change them, or she pooped through her PJs and I have to soak them, or she is just so darn stinkin' cute I have no desire to leave her (which is pretty much every day) so I dawdle a little longer.

Her naps at day care are hit or miss.  One day she might nap 4 MINUTES (I still find it hilarious that they record this...at least I know they are serious about their license :) ) and then maybe another half hour nap.  But other days she'll nap for an hour and half plus a forty-five minute nap. 

And I can't stop worrying about her all day.  I stare at the clock just waiting for 4:45 to hit so I can shut down and get to my car as fast as my heals will take me and then curse at the traffic for taking me 45 minutes to get to my little goose.  She's the highlight of my day and I hate that during the week, I only get a good 1.5-2 hours at most with her before it's bedtime.  And lately, she naps on the way home and in her car seat until 6:30 which cuts down our time together even more.

Then enter all of my other tasks around the house that I cannot seem to fit in.  Like cleaning.  I went TWO whole weeks without cleaning my house.  So not like me.  But I just didn't have time (I scrubbed yesterday for the record).  And laundry, and grocery shopping, and miscellaneous errands, and doing yard work, and cooking a meal that's not a sandwich or salad. 

My mom promised that it's just this stage of life.  She had the same hurdles to get over when we were little.  And she said I just have to get in the mindset that my house may not be clean, uncluttered yes, clean no.  And other things may need to fall through the cracks.  But I won't be able to get back those baby giggles or tub splashes that I missed because I was so obsessed with the to-do list I never seem to be able to finish.

I know we'll figure this all out eventually.  And as much as I miss her during the day, I know Zoe loves school and she's meeting new friends and learning to adapt to new situations.  And I get a little me time with adult conversation.  

And I rarely have to change a poopy diaper (thank you Zoe for always taking care of business during the day ;) ).  At least there is a small upside!

Getting to spend time together OUTSIDE after work is the
highlight of my day.  LOVE those thigh rolls :)

Please Remember

To my little Goose,

Tomorrow is the big day - your first day of daycare.  I can't believe it's already here.  These past six months have just flown by.  They say time flies when you have kids and it is unfortunately oh so true.  It seems like just yesterday you were this itty bitty newborn, but instead you are such a big girl already who laughs and smiles and talks to her toys nonstop.

I've had a hard time these past few days processing exactly what this all means and how our days are going to change.  I know as time passes, you'll love going to school.  You'll make tons of new friends, you'll be excited to see all three of your teachers.  But I can't help being upset about how much I will miss.  So far, I was the first one who was able to see all of your firsts.  Your first smile, your first real, belly laugh.  And now it's going to be someone else.

I know you are much, too little to remember any of our time together over the past half of year.  But please know that these six months were the best ever.  You changed our lives in such a big way when you came into this world and I wouldn't give one second of it up for anything (even on your worst days ;) ).  

I'll always remember the look on daddy's face when he finally saw you.  I'll remember the sheer joy at watching you learn so many new things about this big world that is all so new to you.  The way that your giggles turn me to absolute mush...and how you laugh at the strangest things, but we'll go with it :)  The way that you have the biggest smiles when we come get you in the morning.  The way that you go for a bottle likes it's the last time you'll ever eat.  And the list goes on and on.

Tonight daddy is traveling for work and I got to put you to bed.  So, I rocked you a little longer and smelled that fresh bath smell.  Tears rolled down my cheeks as I told you how special these six months were and how much I'll miss you.  And I told you over and over again how much I love you.  Please baby girl, don't ever forget that.  Even though I can't be with you all day anymore, you are still my little Goose.

I love you Goose.

xoxo,

Mommy

Mommy Fail

Don't worry...this is not my first.  Since Zoe's 5 months old, I'm guessing it's normal to have those moments where you are like, "Crap, I can't believe I did that."  Like the time I was trying to let her sit in a tripod and she face planted into the floor and screamed bloody murder.  Yeah, I pretty much cried right along with her.  (Disclaimer, I was sitting right there with her with my hands on her but she wriggled out.)  

Newest, mommy fail was much more scary.  We've been talking about unswaddling Zoe for a while know.  By talking, I mean me bringing it up and us both quickly deciding that she sleeps so well, why mess with something that's not broken.  Recently, she's been busting out more frequently.  Sometimes one arm, sometimes both.  Sometimes she'd go back to sleep on her own, sometimes she wouldn't settle back down unless we snuck in and reswaddled her.  It was getting kind of annoying to deal with to be honest.  Plus, she was starting to try to roll from back to front which would just be so unsafe while swaddled.

Enter last night.  She had a really rough day.  SUPER cranky.  Let's just say I was counting down the hours until Aaron came home so I could get a breather.  She went down great at her normal bedtime (her naps were horrible).  Then she busted out of her swaddle around 11.  Aaron went in and fixed it and said she was on her side.  That should have been the red light.  She cried on and off for the next few hours and then got really upset at 1 am.  I decided she must be hungry so I went in to feed her.  And there she was on her stomach, one arm out, and not able to roll back :(  My heart completely jumped out of my chest.  I scooped her up and said sorry to her a million times.  I thanked God over and over again while I was feeding her that everything was ok and that nothing happened.  

No more beloved swaddle.

She woke up on and off the rest of the night.  She was in a completely different direction when I went to get her this morning so I'm not sure if she rolled or scooted, but she was all smiles.  

Her naps today have been terrible even if I go in to put her back on her back and shush her.  She knows how to roll from tummy to back.  She's been doing it for months and does it all the time during tummy time.  I'm not quite sure what the difference is now.  We'll see how tonight goes.

She's also seemed extra hungry these past two days.  So maybe the horrible naps are also attributed to a growth spurt.  I hate that this is all happening at once, because I'm unable to pinpoint exactly what the problem is.  Just when you think you've got it down....

We are supposed to go on a road trip next week before I go back to work, but now I'm not so sure that will be a good idea.  I know I wouldn't want to be a hotel room next to us.  I'm hoping she gets it all figured out before then.  We'll see.  As they say, this too shall pass...it's just a matter of when.

You Know You're a Mom When...

You know your a mom when...

1. You actually have a day where you are leaving the house, your child spits up all over your shirt and your jeans, and rather than taking the time to change, you say screw it and just leave with wet clothes.  Zoe does it so why can't I?
2. You get pooped on...all over your stomach while burping your child (yellow, chunky, diarrhea like poop) and you really aren't all that grossed out.
3. You now have a bucket and tub of oxi clean sitting in your bathroom indefinitely to help salvage your child's clothing after diaper blowouts...sometimes multiple per day.
4. You find yourself rinsing poop from clothes in the toilet (I have a huge aversion to toilet water...even if it's clean...it kind of makes me gag).
5. You hear your baby crying and you start bouncing and swaying from side to side.  Then you realize you aren't the one holding her.
6. You don't always sleep when your baby sleeps at night because she is SO noisy and you are worried she's going to choke, or stop breathing, or something equally horrible.
7. You start waking up at 4 am like clockwork to feed your child even if she doesn't wake up.
8. Your living room is now filled with multiple types of nipple cream, My Brest Friend, a pump, an itzbeen timer as a reminder when the last feeding was, and other such paraphernalia.
9. You spend an hour trying to get her to smile.  And when she finally gives one teeny smile, it's like you won the lottery.
10. You spend just 10 more minutes snuggling your milk induced coma baby at 4 am because she looks so peaceful and smells so yummy. 

Being a mom is such hard work.  But so completely worth it.  I love my little girl to pieces and can't believe how fast she's growing up :(

They Say It Takes a Village

I love being a mom.  Zoe is the most amazing little human being, and I can't believe that she's ours.  I'll do just about anything to see her little smiles and those cute stretches she does when she's first up for the day.  So incredibly precious.

But this mom gig?  It's hard work.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I know we are incredibly blessed, but it doesn't mean I can't have my bad days.  Because I'm human, and I do.  And it doesn't help that it's slowly moving into winter which means we are stuck inside unless I can come up with a random errand to run.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing people surrounding me.  Aaron has been incredible.  He knows I'm home all day by myself and need a break sometimes at night even though he then doesn't have a chance to relax after work.  He's listened to me cry about everything more times than I can count.  My mom, my best best friend, her older sister, and everyone else that calls, e-mails, and texts to check up on me.  I definitely couldn't do this without the love and support of so many friends and family.

Earlier last week, my best friend sent me the perfect article about being a mom and the good and bad days which was so perfect.  And Saturday, we got out of the house and went to visit with friends.  Many of them are moms, so naturally, the women were chatting about how things were going, etc. and I was honest about how it's tough sometimes.  As one girl was leaving, she gave me a big hug and said, "You're doing great."  And I really needed that then.  I know that Zoe loves me and I'm doing the best I can.  But it's nice to hear it from someone else too.

So thank you to my village.  While my "village" may not all be in my immediate area (reaching all the way to Cali), I'm lucky enough to have the best people in my life.  I love you guys!  Now if only, we could work on getting everyone living near each other again ;)