You Know You're a Mom When...

You know your a mom when...

1. You actually have a day where you are leaving the house, your child spits up all over your shirt and your jeans, and rather than taking the time to change, you say screw it and just leave with wet clothes.  Zoe does it so why can't I?
2. You get pooped on...all over your stomach while burping your child (yellow, chunky, diarrhea like poop) and you really aren't all that grossed out.
3. You now have a bucket and tub of oxi clean sitting in your bathroom indefinitely to help salvage your child's clothing after diaper blowouts...sometimes multiple per day.
4. You find yourself rinsing poop from clothes in the toilet (I have a huge aversion to toilet water...even if it's clean...it kind of makes me gag).
5. You hear your baby crying and you start bouncing and swaying from side to side.  Then you realize you aren't the one holding her.
6. You don't always sleep when your baby sleeps at night because she is SO noisy and you are worried she's going to choke, or stop breathing, or something equally horrible.
7. You start waking up at 4 am like clockwork to feed your child even if she doesn't wake up.
8. Your living room is now filled with multiple types of nipple cream, My Brest Friend, a pump, an itzbeen timer as a reminder when the last feeding was, and other such paraphernalia.
9. You spend an hour trying to get her to smile.  And when she finally gives one teeny smile, it's like you won the lottery.
10. You spend just 10 more minutes snuggling your milk induced coma baby at 4 am because she looks so peaceful and smells so yummy. 

Being a mom is such hard work.  But so completely worth it.  I love my little girl to pieces and can't believe how fast she's growing up :(

Breast Feeding Part 3...Nearing the End

This is a hard post to write.  And when I wrote the previous post about breast feeding, I had hoped it wouldn't end like this.  

I saw the specialist on Wednesday and they really didn't have any answers.  They still think I have a problem with yeast so Zoe and I are being treated.  But there were no answers why the other issue isn't healing.  

After too many tears to count and several mental breakdowns, I just can't do it anymore.  I'm not enjoying my time off.  I dread whenever the clock gets close to her feeding time.  And it's too hard for me to coordinate pumping and feeding her all day when I'm home by myself.  I know that Zoe can feel my anxiety and tell I'm upset. 

For now, I plan to nurse her during the middle of the night feed.  I may or may not continue to nurse her at her 8 am feed as well.  And I'll pump every 4 or 5 hours during the day and slowly stretch it to decrease my milk supply.  We have enough milk stored that we should be able to make it to 2 or 3 months before she'll be exclusively on formula.  Right now, I'll do every other bottle with formula and the next with breast milk.

Deep down, I know that I did the best I could.  I really, really tried.  And no matter what, she does have the benefit of some breast milk even if it's not the full six months like I had hoped.  

And I have the best support system.  I have really struggled with feeling like a failure throughout all of this.  I think that's one of the reasons why I have been so afraid to stop.  But everyone has had such kind words, helpful tips, and reminded me that I did everything I could and I need to be happy too.  Zoe will still be smart, she'll still be healthy, and she'll be happy (and so will her mommy).

Now the only challenge is to get her to be a little less fussy when taking the bottle.  She seems to think she can drink more than 3.5-4 oz and I know that at her age, her tummy just isn't that big.  And she fights every time we stop and try to burp her (give me more food mommy!).  I'm hoping that as we keep giving her bottles, she'll start to realize and remember that there will be more.

They Say It Takes a Village

I love being a mom.  Zoe is the most amazing little human being, and I can't believe that she's ours.  I'll do just about anything to see her little smiles and those cute stretches she does when she's first up for the day.  So incredibly precious.

But this mom gig?  It's hard work.  Quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I know we are incredibly blessed, but it doesn't mean I can't have my bad days.  Because I'm human, and I do.  And it doesn't help that it's slowly moving into winter which means we are stuck inside unless I can come up with a random errand to run.

Thankfully, I have the most amazing people surrounding me.  Aaron has been incredible.  He knows I'm home all day by myself and need a break sometimes at night even though he then doesn't have a chance to relax after work.  He's listened to me cry about everything more times than I can count.  My mom, my best best friend, her older sister, and everyone else that calls, e-mails, and texts to check up on me.  I definitely couldn't do this without the love and support of so many friends and family.

Earlier last week, my best friend sent me the perfect article about being a mom and the good and bad days which was so perfect.  And Saturday, we got out of the house and went to visit with friends.  Many of them are moms, so naturally, the women were chatting about how things were going, etc. and I was honest about how it's tough sometimes.  As one girl was leaving, she gave me a big hug and said, "You're doing great."  And I really needed that then.  I know that Zoe loves me and I'm doing the best I can.  But it's nice to hear it from someone else too.

So thank you to my village.  While my "village" may not all be in my immediate area (reaching all the way to Cali), I'm lucky enough to have the best people in my life.  I love you guys!  Now if only, we could work on getting everyone living near each other again ;)

Breast Feeding Part 2

I wish I could say it's all butterflies and unicorns now.  I would have thought that at SEVEN weeks postpartum, I should be able to say that.  If we only talked about one side, those are some pretty gorgeous butterflies.  But unfortunately, there are two boobs and the other side is a two headed dragon and just won't.get.better.  Ugh.

Zoe now nurses on the left like a champ.  No shield required.  I can barely even feel that she's doing anything (don't worry, I listen for the swallows so I know she really is doing something).  I can reach for things that I need, I can blow my nose (yes, colds have been going around our household), etc.

Then enters the right side.  I dread every time I have to switch to that side.  It makes me completely dread when the clock gets close to the next time to eat.  It's completely toe curling, bring water to my eyes pain.  I'm popping ibuprofen like it's my job.  It's not getting better and it's been SEVEN weeks.

I had my six week postpartum checkup on Monday and had her look at it then.  White spots had shown up which she concluded were yeast.  So now I'm treating a yeast infection (which started the weekend before).  She didn't say much about the other trauma, but to be fair, I didn't ask and I don't think it was noticeable while I was there.

After yet more sobbing fits yesterday to the OB nurse, my lactation consultant, my mom, and Aaron (yes, there were a lot of tears), I had another appointment today (I sobbed in the exam room too).  The doctor still thinks it's yeast even though the white spots are gone.  Our new plan is to take the yeast medicine for the next 14 days (she upped the dose).  She also prescribed a new cream to use.  If this isn't starting to help things heal by mid next week, I have an antibiotic I can use in case it's a bacterial infection.

So far, the cream has been much better than the other one I was using.  I'm also going to pump a bit more this weekend while Aaron is home and can help give a bottle.  This should help provide a little relief while things (hopefully) heal.

Let's hope this does the trick.  Fingers crossed.  Who knew this would be probably the hardest part about having a baby for me?  Let's hope that there is a "Part 3" to this saga very soon and it's ALL butterflies and unicorns...

Christmas Decorating

Those that have read this blog from the beginning, know that last year around this time was horrible.  Definitely one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through.  It's so crazy to think were we were last year at this time and that emergency surgery was in the near future on Christmas Eve.  This is definitely my most favorite time of year, and it was really hard for me to enjoy everything last year with all that was happening.

It is just amazing to me to think where we are now just one year later.  I'm sitting here typing a post while our 5 week old is snoring away in her bouncy seat.  We really are so blessed and lucky this holiday season.

In my family, we have always put up the Christmas decorations Thanksgiving weekend.  I can't remember exactly when this tradition started, but it works perfect now because I'm home to be able to help my mom.  And we rock out to some great Christmas favorites including John Denver, Bing Crosby, Perry Como, the Muppet's, and so on.

Since we are out of town Thanksgiving weekend, I always tell Aaron we MUST get our tree and decorate the weekend after.  We need to be able to enjoy the tree since we travel back to GR for Christmas :)  This year, it was a really warm day so Miss Zoe joined us on our tree buying adventure.  I'm so thankful it was nice considering we typically walk down the street to a local church and carry the tree home.  Since we have a 5 week old, this wouldn't have been possible in the cold.  However, it was a gorgeous day.

We then started putting up all the other decorations while Little Miss took her afternoon nap.  Thankfully, my mom supplied us with some of our favorite Christmas tunes last year :)  It took a little longer (two days) to set up what little decorations we have - someone was hungry every 3 hours :) - but it was perfect.  Now our house smells like a Christmas tree and Zoe LOVES the Christmas lights.  I have to turn them off at night to get her to relax and go to sleep :)

I can't wait to spend this holiday season with Zoe, even if she has no idea what is going on this year :)