Adjustment from One to Two

I was really worried how Zoe would adjust to having a little brother.  She has been the center of our world for 2 years and her world was about to be turned upside down.  She's a super helpful toddler.  She loves to help clean up and get things for us, so I was hopeful that as long as I gave her "tasks", she'd be ok.

The afternoon that Beckett was born, my mother in law brought Zoe to the hospital.  She was a little unsure of what was going on and the look on her face definitely made me nervous.  But looking back, I think she was just overwhelmed and really wasn't sure what to think with everyone all in the same room, talking to her, and coming at her.  Because five minutes later, she was climbing on my bed and begging to hold Baby Brother.

Not so sure...

"I wanna hold him!"

The first few days, she went back and forth calling him Baby Ben and Beckett, but I think she's got it down now :)

She LOVES giving him kisses.  I think she'd kiss him all night when she got home from day care if we let her :)  She loves tickling his feet and announcing to us when he's awake or crying.  So far, she doesn't really seem phased at all or jealous of this new little addition.  Life has pretty much gone on as normal.  I'm kind of holding my breath and just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  But maybe this will go better than I ever thought…

"I wanna have a sleep over!"

Aaron has been amazing at taking over all duties with her when I have to feed Beckett (which feels like all the time even though it's only every 3 hours).  Zoe has tested our patience here and there…playing with the bouncy seat when we repeatedly told her no, etc.  But they are very minor incidences and nothing to worry about.  Typical toddler stuff that would have happened even if Beckett wasn't here.  

Riding in Beckett's "boat."

I think the adjustment has just been hardest on me and the mommy guilt I feel.  I love them both so much and it's crazy how your heart can explode like this a second time.  But I don't want Zoe to feel replaced in any way.  I want to make sure she knows how much mommy still loves her.  I just feel so consumed with Beckett right now, but I know that it's just the newborn stage and eventually it won't seem like I'm constantly feeding him.  And I try my best to read to her while I'm nursing, or play tea parties with her in between feedings.  Thankfully, her bedtime also falls in between feedings so I can help with that some nights too.  Zoe honestly doesn't seem to have any resentment.  It's all in my head.  But it hasn't stopped me from sobbing to Aaron.  

I just want them both to know how much I love them.

It's only been a few weeks though, so we'll see how my outlook on this changes as we get into more of a routine and we are all together more.  Zoe is still in day care full time (I don't feel coordinated enough just yet to take care of both of them all day).  But we'll get there.  I'm just so happy that Zoe loves her baby brother so far.  It's made me feel so much better.

Beckett James | Birth Story

Mr. Beckett's arrival was not at all what I expected…other than he was early which I predicted all along.  So here is this little guy's story.

I had been having braxton hicks contractions for months.  The cramping was getting worse every day but nothing consistent or time able.  Monday night Aaron had talked to his mom to confirm her arrival on Wednesday.  I had a doctor's appointment scheduled for Tuesday afternoon.  At one point Monday night, I was getting more crampy and noticed they were coming at frequent intervals, but they weren't intense and they were pretty far apart, then they went away.  Two weeks before, I was 3 cm dilated.  The week before, there was no change.  I went to bed Monday night with no knowledge of what was to come…

I woke up around 12:45 am with actual contractions.  I turned on my app and started to time them.  They were averaging 50 seconds to just over a minute in length.  They were coming about 6 minutes apart at that point.  I wasn't supposed to call the doctor until they were 5 minutes apart, lasting one minute each, for one hour.  At 1:30 am, I decided to get up and go downstairs.  To pass the time, I unloaded the dishwasher…so glad I wasted my time there :)

Shortly thereafter, I went upstairs to tell Aaron I thought this was it and to call his mom.  I got the rest of my things around, called the doctor, and showered.  The time between contractions went quickly from 6 minutes, to 4 minutes, to 2-3 minutes apart.  Looking back, this should have been a sign to stop what I was doing and go to the hospital rather than unloading the dishwasher, showering, etc.  

We called the people we had asked as our Zoe backups.  Thankfully, our neighbor answered right away and came over until Aaron's mom arrived around 5:30 am.  We left for the hospital just before 3 am.  I remember thinking the contractions were coming REALLY close together and things were feeling a little odd down there.  I had an epidural with Zoe though, so besides the early contractions, I really didn't know what it would feel like later in labor.

As we got to the check in desk, I realized my wallet was at home.  Thankfully, that wasn't an issue.  They quickly checked me in, Aaron ran down to move the car, and a nurse came in to ask questions and help me get into my gown.  I think then the contractions were 2 minutes apart.  A nurse was nice enough to push my pelvis together during each one.  I was in HORRIBLE pain at this point and not really getting any relief.  The nurse checked my dilation and didn't say a word.  I repeatedly said I wanted an epidural ASAP.  

When she came back, and I asked how far I was and she said, "Well, I didn't want to tell you.  But you are at 10."  That's when I really lost it.  Sobbing, screaming, swearing.  I kept saying that I just wanted to go home…too late for that!  I was so upset because I knew at this point I couldn't get any pain medicine.  And I don't do well with pain.  I had no idea how much longer I had.  I just knew that I was in so much pain.

They quickly wheeled me from the trauma intake to the birthing rooms.  I screamed the whole way down the hall.  My water ruptured and splattered all down the hallway according to Aaron.  We got into the room just as my doctor was rushing in.  They forced me to move from the gurney to the other bed which I did not want to do.  It hurt so horribly.  I just wanted them to pick me up but eventually I crawled over.  

The doctor told me to push with the next contraction and Mr. Beckett James made his debut with that one contraction in about two pushes.  The RELIEF from the pain was amazing.  And hearing those sweet cries made it all worth it.  I give major credit to women who go without drugs purposely.  It's no joke.  

All in all, we got in the car at about 2:50 am.  Got to the hospital around 3 am.  And he was born at 3:34 am.  We JUST made it.  I joked with the doctor that I plan to camp out at the hospital the week before my due date if we have another baby.  She laughed and said that we can talk about induction for sure once I get close to the end to avoid a home birth :)

The poor little guy went nameless for quite a while, but we finally were able to agree.

Beckett James 
November 11, 2014
Born 3:34 am
7 lb and 9 oz
19.5 inches long

Mr. Beckett we love you so, so much already.  Your little bird cries are just adorable.  You tolerate CONSTANT kisses from your big sister and are just the best addition to this crazy family.  We can't wait to watch you grow and your personality to shine.