Our Consultation

First, iIf anyone ever reading this is in need of a fertility specialist in the Detroit area, I highly highly recommend RMA of Michigan.  Now, about our appointment...

Dr. Wolf came highly recommended to us by a friend.  We met with her first.  We talked about what happened at the end of last year.  We talked about my chances for a recurring ectopic.  We talked about what could have caused it, etc.  She had a couple of concerns. 

• In 2007, I had a D&C due to irregular bleeding.  In that report, there was something found that could mean that I have an infection in my uterus.  Nothing life threatening for me, but it could make my uterus "hostile" for an embryo to implant causing our pregnancy to go back up my tube to find a "safer" place.  I should have been given antibiotics and wasn't.  Obviously, I was upset when I heard this. 
• She's also concerned that I could have some type of blockage in my right tube.  She did say that a lot of women ovulate more out of their right tube (very interesting) but there is medicine to help the left tube along if the right one is no longer viable.

She was so helpful and so nice.  We talked about our next steps.  She's a no nonsense kind of doctor and gets that we've already had a shitty road and we don't want to mess around anymore.  I really appreciate that.

I have to take those antibiotics for 30 days.  During that time we can try on our own.  They won't hurt a pregnancy if we conceive on our own.  Also, I'll have an HSG run this month as well to check for blockages.  As long as everything goes well, we'll then move on to 100 mg of clomid in March. 

Dr. Wolf also did a brief exam just checking my heart and lungs.  When she finished up, she looked directly in my eyes, grabbed my hand, and asked me how I was really doing, asking if my stomach was healing ok, etc.  That was the first time other than the ER and OR staff that a doctor really seemed to care.  I know my OB/GYN has a rushed personality, I've figured that out over the years.  But it was nice to see that she really cared.  I have a lovey-dovey, I need attention type personality and it was nice to feel that from Dr. Wolf.

We then met with our nurse, Chris.  Each patient is assigned a nurse who seems them through all of their treatments.  She'll be the one calling with test results, getting me ready for my next treatment, etc.  How great to have someone so familiar with your case at all times?  She was also incredibly knowledgeable, nice, caring, and funny.  I can tell we'll really like her.  She went a little more in depth on everything.  She mentioned that with the clomid, we'll also receive a trigger shot which helps to release the egg.  We won't jump into IUI just yet.  Fingers crossed that we this all works.  Chris also kept stressing that they are open 365 days a year which is awesome.  Like she said, your cycles don't care what day of the year/week it is, so we want to make sure we give everyone the best chance of success.

Lastly, we met with the financial person who deals with the benefits.  She gave us a cost breakdown of everything before insurance.  Everything was right in line with what I thought it would cost so we are on track there (I'm a numbers person).

I left feeling 100% better.  The only two things hanging over my head now are these antibiotics and then the HSG test and results. 

Maybe we'll get lucky and be able to do this on our own this month...although I'm not counting on it, it still would be a very nice surprise.

We're finally moving forward and it feels great!

How it went...

We arrived just on time (traffic was worse than we thought).  I scanned the group all while trying not to be obvious about it.  There were several couples our age, and a good number who were late 30s to mid 40s.  I kept thinking how sad it was that we were all sitting there for such a sad reason.

The presentation started and it became very obvious that a few women were there as their last hope.  Based on their questions and knowledge, they were unfortunately far too informed.  I don't say that because it's bad to be informed...only that I'm sure these women never wanted to know so much.  They wanted a happy, healthy baby long ago.

We learned a lot.  There were parts of the presentation that were helpful.  There were parts that were scary too.  What if even though I got pregnant on 50 mg of clomid, it's not going to be so easy from here on out and we end up knowing what ICSI, DDsomething or other and all these other acronyms actually mean?  I know that I'm fortunate and I know that we still have a long way to go before any of that would be necessary, but I still was a little nervous.

After the meeting, we stopped on our way home to get dinner quickly.  Poor Aaron looked at me so worried, and said, "At our appointment on Wednesday, are we already jumping into IVF?"  Throughout the past few years, I've known people who have had problems so I know the typical treatment sequence.  So going into the meeting, I knew that meds and monitoring come first, IUI, trigger shots, all of these other smaller things come first before IVF.  Not that they all aren't emotional procedures or a big deal, I guess they just come with a lower price.  I explained to Aaron and you could just see the relief.  We talked about what insurance might cover and what they probably won't cover.  We talked about the fact that I've put quite a lot into my HSA over the past year for this exact reason, etc.  All things I guess I just never mentioned since I'm the one that does most of the finances and I didn't think he cared to know.  He knows I'm anal so he knows it must all be doable.  I realized I should probably keep him more included even in that aspect of this whole thing.  While he doesn't need to do anything, he'd still like to be kept in the loop.

And now I can't wait for Wednesday.  The staff that were there last night were amazing.  So, so nice.  The exact type of people you would expect to be working with highly emotional women.  The doctors were kind yet funny.  I really think that we are making the right choice.  And that's what counts.

While I wait for Wednesday, I'm so happy that it's Friday.  We have no plans this weekend (other than the usual groceries, cleaning, laundry, etc.).  Sitting and doing nothing sounds just about perfect right now :)  Happy Friday!

Informational Night

Tonight is the Informational Night.  All week I've felt like I did when I was little and I knew a big vacation was coming up.  Two nights ago I had the most bizarre dream about our consultation (that's next week)...not sure where that came from.  And last night I could not fall asleep (which was horrible considering I stayed out way too late with girlfriends and didn't go to bed until almost midnight...on a work night...man I sound old).

I've been waiting for tonight for the past month.  Tonight means we are finally moving forward.  I feel like the voucher for our free consultation is going to be like the Golden Ticket from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.  Yeah, I'm a dork.

I have mixed emotions going into tonight.  Don't get me wrong, my excitement and anxiousness (in a good way) are far outweighing the negativity.  But have I gotten my hopes?  Will we leave the meeting tonight feeling even more overwhelmed and discouraged?  I know that I have a long ways to go before IVF would even be considered, so will they talk about all levels of infertility? 

I had lunch this week with a friend who recommended me to this office.  She LOVES them.  And she did warn me that some of the statistics are discouraging, but that the staff is amazing and the informational night is a great way to get just that...information.

So yeah, tonight we're getting what will hopefully be our "Golden Ticket."  If only it came with all the delicious candy from the movie...



Photo courtesy of oranges-world.com





Still waiting...

This was a hard weekend.  I don't even know why.  But it felt like I saw so many babies, I dreamt about so many people having babies, and watched too much TV with babies. 

I had a follow up with the surgeon on Friday.  My beta was at 47 on Thursday, so my doctor is very hopeful it will be at 0 by this week's draw.  The surgeon was incredibly nice and was actually one of the people I remember most from that morning.  She helped me take off all my jewelry, held my hand during the multiple attempts at getting an IV, called Aaron when I couldn't get a hold of him, and found him for me before I went in to surgery.  Quite honestly, I had thought she was a nurse that morning just because of how caring and worried about me she seemed (not that doctors don't care...I just feel like the nurses are the ones who are more focused on the mental status of the patient, if that makes sense).

The doctor said that yes, I did have a ruptured ectopic.  There was no doubt.  I had over a liter of blood in my stomach that they removed.  They removed the tissue in my tube, and sewed it back up.  Apparently, the blood was coming out of my tube and into my stomach.  She said that my tube was saved (which they had already told Aaron).  But she was honest and reminded me that I'm at a higher risk for another ectopic now that I've had one.  She also didn't think I was at the point of needing to go to an RE, but said (like my OB) RA of MI is an excellent place and I'll be well taken care of. 

I keep second guessing my decision for going for a second opinion.  All of my friends and family think it's a great idea.  All of the doctors don't think it's necessary...YET.  By the time, we'll be able to start trying again, we'll have been trying for 10 months.  Which I know isn't at the majic one year mark, but again, I have a history.  One that I don't want to repeat.

I think sitting in the waiting room was the beginnings of my rough weekend.  It is a low cost clinic within the hospital.  There were so many girls there who clearly were too young to be having babies.  And so my pitty party started. 

I just keep thinking of all the milestones I keep passing...Christmas - when we were supposed to tell our family the good news, my birthday - where I had hoped to have a baby before I was 30 and now I just hope to be pregnant by the time I'm 30, etc. etc.

I know that there are so many people that have it so much worse than me.  I know that I still have hope where others may not.  But it doesn't make it hurt any less.  I've been praying about everything a lot to try and help me sort through the emotions.  The "why me" and then the flip side of the guilt for feeling that way.  I just really want to be able to enjoy life as it comes and not have it go by so fast living in these one month increments waiting to see if this was the month.  I'm really really going to try and just slow down.

Doctor Update

Well, I went to the doctor last Thursday.  She drew blood and that was about it.  Good news is that my beta was down to 300ish as of last week.  I have another draw this Thursday, and hopefully it's at zero by then.  The doctor didn't really have much to say.  She said I was healing well.  She didn't know much about the surgery since she didn't perform it. I asked a few questions...Is there anything in the future that we can do to monitor me in case this happens again?  I'm at higher risk now for another ectopic pregnancy and I really wanted her to say that she would run a few tests to see I have any blockages or scar tissue on my tubes.  Her answer: you are at higher risk so we'll watch your blood levels after you get a positive pregnancy test to verify if it's ectopic or not.  Well, I get that a doctor can't prevent an ectopic pregnancy.  They can't decide where the baby is going to implant itself.  But I know there are things that can be done just to see how things look right now.  No response.  Gotta love paying $100 for a visit that you essentially get nothing out of.

I mentioned that Aaron and I were going to an informational night at a fertility clinic.  I also set up a free consultation with one of the doctors.  My OB just kept saying that she didn't think we were there yet.  She thought it was great we were getting more information, but she didn't think that seeing a specialist was necessary just yet.  I've said this before, but I'm not expecting a whole slew of crazy tests yet.  I'm not expecting the specialist to give me tons of drugs and IUIs and all of the other tricks they have in their bag.  I just want to hear what a specialist thinks about my situation.  I want to know what her thoughts are on our next step.  And maybe she'll have the same opinion as my current OB.  At least I'll have peace of mind that I have a second opinion.  Which can't hurt at all.

The fertility clinic night is at the end of January and our appointment is the following week on February 1.  Since I now have to wait two cycles before we start trying again, those dates should be perfect timing.  The woman I talked with on the phone was so, so nice.  She didn't rush me at all and told me to call back if I had any questions before the end of January.  

I've been poking around to see if I can fine an inexpensive getaway for Aaron and I to just decompress after the craziness that November and December brought.  Work is suddenly crazy and looks like it will continue for at least a few weeks.  I have a feeling these two months will fly by. In the meantime, I'm focusing on me and spending time with Aaron, Wally, friends, and family.

The pain...physical and emotional

It has been quite an emotional past few days.  After my post on Tuesday, I started feeling horrible physically.  I wasn't doubled over but I definitely did not feel good.  I started crying and telling Aaron that I wasn't sure what we should do.  Should we go to the ER?  I am so thankful Aaron was with me at the doctor's appointment earlier in the day.  He reminded me that the doctor said all of the pain would be focused on one said and I would be doubled over unable to move.  He said he'd obviously support my decision to go, but it was nice to have those calm reminders.  I said goodnight and went to bed crying.  Like the amazing husband he is, he followed me upstairs and rubbed my back until I finally fell asleep.  I woke up on and off throughout the night.  I woke up the next day deciding that I needed a day off work both for my emotional health and I still wasn't feeling well. 

Wally and I cuddled all day and I watched way to many episodes of 19 Kids and Counting.  I was feeling better but still not great.  The doctor said a side effect would be cramping, but she never mentioned what I was feeling.  I debated calling the office on and off all day.  Thursday morning I finally called on my way to work.  She assured me again that as long as I wasn't doubled over, these were side effects that some women experience.  I don't feel well when I eat either so it's been hard to find something appetizing to eat. 

I go in today for my first follow up blood draw.  I go back Monday.  I am hoping and praying this all works.  I am so tired.  And I just want to feel ok again and be able to move on.  I pray I don't have to be one of the few who goes through multiple rounds of this drug.  Thankfully work has been understanding with no questions asked.

I've also decided that coming the New Year, I'm making an appointment with a specialist.  I've debated a million times over when the right time is.  We haven't been trying for that magic one year mark quite yet.  But I have a history of issues.  And clearly I don't want to have to go through this all again.  I like my OB, but I just don't feel like I was monitored how I should have been.  I would feel much better being in the care of someone who does this day in and day out.  I want to call an office where the nurses are special people with special skills to deal with some of the most emotional women and truly care.  I'm so thankful that I have a small support group of amazing women of close family and friends in my life who back me up 100%.  And Aaron knows that he should just always agree with everything :)

We are heading to Grand Rapids this weekend for a family Christmas party.  I'm really looking forward to relaxing and being with family.  There's nothing like a good dose of "mom" time to lift my spirits.