Why do I look?

I'm nosy...too nosy at times.  I read The Bump a few times a day to look at the posts that might apply to me, respond to a few if someone has a question on something I've been through.  It's a pretty large community so you get questions that are all over the spectrum and you get all kinds of different situations.  I keep trying to remember, it's a large community...

Every once in a while, there is a post with some type of title I know I shouldn't open..."Baby's gone", "Saying goodbye", "Our loss".  I know I shouldn't open the post.  While my heart breaks for the women who have to experience this at any stage, for my sanity, I shouldn't read them.  But for some reason, I usually always open them.  Today was no different.  A woman posted yesterday that she couldn't find the heart beat with her at home doppler.  She posted again that she had an appointment today for peace of mind.  This morning she posted that she had lost her baby last week (a missed miscarriage).  She would have been 19 weeks.

You get so excited to finally graduate from 1st tri and then something like this happens and kicks you in the gut with a reality check.  Something can always go wrong.  Thankfully, the statistic of you have a 1% chance of miscarrying once you make it through the first trimester means you have really good odds of being ok.  But someone has to make up that 1%. 

I wish I didn't have such an anxious personality.  I wish I didn't worry all of the time.  I know that it's all in God's hands and what's meant to be will be.  ...but I still worry.  Thankfully, Aaron is good at looking at the positive when I have these negative moments.  He "just knows that everything is going to be ok."  And that makes me feel better.

Prayers were answered...

Our prayers were finally answered.  Friday and Saturday I still felt "off."  Aaron and my dad were a huge help with Wally over the weekend, so I could take it easy.  I was feeling much better for our party on Sunday.  It was nice to see family and eat and chat all day. 

I had my second blood draw on Tuesday.  The nurse called Wednesday morning to say the numbers were going down but were not where they wanted them to be.  This meant a second round of shots.  So many thoughts were racing through my mind.  Why couldn't anything throughout this whole ordeal just work my way?  Every time I accept one thing, something else happens.  And I did not want to have to take those shots again.  I felt horrible after taking them.  I had to take time off of work, I couldn't eat because my stomach was so upset, I was convinced my tubes were going to be ruined.  I was an emotional wreck.  This is my favorite time of year, and the last thing I wanted was for Christmas to be ruined because I was sick.

The nurse said that they'd go against protocol if I wanted and have me go back for blood work on Wednesday (today).  If the levels weren't good, I'd have to have the shots then.  I went for my draw this morning.  I left at peace knowing it was out of my hands.  If I had to get more shots, I had to get more shots.  Aaron was all set to meet me at the hospital so I wouldn't have to be there alone again. 

The nurse called this morning and left a message saying my numbers looked great today.  No more shots.  I just have to go back now once a week to have my blood drawn until my numbers go to zero.  Finally, something worked.  I really just want to move on from this and be able to go on with life, enjoy the holidays and be thankful for what I have, and eventually move on to trying again.  Now it seems to be going in that direction.

I've thought a lot over the past few days about why this happened.  I really think that maybe God was letting me know that we will have children eventually, this little baby just wasn't meant to be.  Maybe He wanted me to know that we can get pregnant, because eventhough it wasn't a healthy pregnancy, I do know that we can get pregnant.  I think this also has really made my relationship with Aaron so much stronger.  I've obviously always loved him and I've always needed him.  But this was by far the hardest thing we've been through thus far.  I had more ups and downs than I can count.  He was so patient and he knew just what I needed when.  He let me cry, he cuddled with me, he took care of Wally, he bought me flowers :), he was amazing.  Maybe God wanted us to be stronger as a couple before we bring a little peanut into the world.  I don't know His exact reasons, but I know He has a plan.

Thank you to everyone who has helped in any way, shape, or form.  My mom who has been my voice of reason and always makes me laugh to keep my mind off the bad things.  My BFF who was the first person there when everything started going down hill and has been there every step of the way.  My SIL and MIL for giving their advice, listening, and keeping us in their thoughts and prayers.  Wally for all of the extra cuddles at night.  And Aaron...I've thought a lot about what I could do to thank my husband.  To show my appreciation for everything he's done over the past month.  He's been my everything.  I couldn't ask for a better husband :)

I know that we still have hurdles to get over, but for now I feel ok.  Hopefully this next week continues to go well.