Doctor's Appointment: Part 1

Well, we had our doctor's appointment this morning.  I decided to have Aaron come with me.  Really, the only reason I was debating was because I was worried the doctor would like at me and wonder why he was there.  I thought about it and decided that he wanted to be there for me.  We're in this together.  Through the good and the bad and I need him.  So, we went into the room and they started the ultrasound.  I won't lie.  A tiny bit of me thought that maybe this would be our miracle.  Maybe their would be a tiny spot on the screen.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.  Surprisingly, I was at peace with what was there...the emptiness.  I have prayed about it and thought about it a lot.  What is meant to be will be.  I still have hope that we'll have our happy, healthy baby someday.  It's just not our turn yet.

Because my levels had gone up as I mentioned in the previous post, the doctor was/is worried about an ectopic pregnancy.  She said the goods news is that if it is ectopic, it's not big enough to see on the ultrasound.  So they are running more blood tests this afternoon.  And we sit and wait.  Several things could happen at this point.  Best case scenario, the levels have dropped again and I'll go back in a few days to recheck them.  Worst case scenario, the levels have stayed the same or gone up and I'll have to go to the hospital after work to be administered methotrexate.  I really, really hope that I don't have to worry about this.  She explained that this drug is actually sometimes used for chemo patients.  I'm assuming it will work to "kill" the cells in my body.  I just hope my body is going through the healing process on it's own.

Of course I've been googling too many things over the past few days.  What I've read tells me that once you have an ectopic pregnancy, you have a higher chance of going through it again.  I know too many who have had difficulties with getting pregnant which means I've heard a lot.  Are my tubes blocked?  Should I go through the blue dye test (can't remember the name) that helps to flush out your tubes and checks for blockages?  Is this going to happen again and again?  When will we be able to start trying again?  These thoughts are all constantly running through my head.  And unfortunately, my doctor doesn't have too many answers yet.  She said let's first see how the blood results turn out today.  Then we'll go from there.  I'm trying to remind myself...one step at a time.  For those who know me, I worry....all the time.  I'm not very good at controlling it.  But I know this is all really out of my hands.  So now I'm just sitting and waiting until the phone rings...hopefully soon.