I honestly never thought this would be the reason I would start a blog. I had hoped creating a blog would come shortly after seeing that positive pregnancy test. A way for us to remember everything. A way for our family and friends to follow our journey.
We've been trying to have a baby for 7 months now. Which I know is really not that long. I know too many people who have tried so much longer and have gone through so much heartache of their own. But two weeks ago tomorrow, I finally saw that positive pregnancy test. I had been traveling out of town and tested before I left to get nothing but a negative. I held my head high and thought, "Well, only one more month, and then my OB wants us to see an RE. At least there is hope in sight." I had a great weekend visiting friends. Because I'm taking certain medicine to help the "trying to get pregnant" along, I have to test on certain days and then stop the medicine if I get a negative pregnancy test (PT). Well after spotting all weekend, I figured it would be negative, but tested that Monday night just so I could tell my doctor I did. I couldn't believe what I saw. It was positive. I tried to not be excited and ran out to buy some digitals. The test I took was a blue dye test which I've heard is notorious for false positives. So I decided I'd test in the morning with the digital. That next morning I peed on a stick again and brushed my teeth while watching that little hour glass tick away. Holy crap...this one says positive too! I couldn't stop thinking that it finally worked. We were finally having a baby. I called my doctor right away and she had me come in for a blood test. Wednesday morning they called to confirm I had an hcg level of 34 which means that I was in fact pregnant but it was still very early. Rewind to Tuesday, I finally told Aaron, my husband, when he got home from work that night. I don't know how I made it that long. But when I look back, I was really worried that this was all some big joke. I didn't want to tell him unless I was sure. And I was having so much spotting, I just didn't believe that it was all true.
We went out with friends Wednesday night and just before we left, I used the restroom. I was bleeding really bad. We were supposed to go to Grand Rapids to visit our families for Thanksgiving that night, but Aaron could see that I was too upset. I couldn't stop crying. I was only 4w6d pregnant so there was absolutely nothing an ER could do. All three of us laid in bed and I just bawled. I finally fell asleep while Aaron was watching a movie. I woke up on Thanksgiving and the bleeding had slowed. I had horrible cramps and still was spotting all day Thursday and Friday. The cramping went away on Saturday but the spotting remained. I was having a really hard time pretending as if nothing was wrong around our family so we decided to head home a day early. While I planned to tell my mom if I miscarried, I didn't want to say anything that weekend in case I was lucky enough that everything was still ok. That wasn't the way I wanted to tell her she was finally going to be a grandma.
Monday rolled around and I had another blood test. The doctor called that night and my hcg went up to 1300+ which a huge jump. They want the numbers to at least double every 48-72 hours so that was an awesome number. However, my progesterone was really low, only 4.5 (not great at all for a pregnant woman). The doctor told me to stay positive and go back on Wednesday for more blood work. That day I was supposed to travel for work and my doctor told me I needed to rest so I had to cancel that trip. By now, I had a feeling everyone at work had a really good idea of what was going on, but I wasn't about to bare my soul. Tuesday was the longest day ever. Wednesday morning came and I had my blood drawn. I had pretty bad bleeding again that morning. The doctor called back to confirm my worst fears. My hcg dropped to in the 900s. My body was telling me this baby just wasn't meant to be. I was miscarrying at 5w6d.
I can't even describe what was running through my mind. I was at work trying to stop bawling. Aaron was in a meeting so I couldn't call him. My BFF, Stephanie, works from home right now, and I kept my fingers crossed that she'd be free to take a quick call. She sat and listened to me for I don't know how long during the middle of her day. It meant so much to me. Just to hear her voice and know that she was there really helped me to step back and calm down.
These past few days have been a complete roller coaster. One minute I'm ok, the next minute I can't stop crying. I'm trying not to take it out on Aaron or Wally, but I have snapped a few times. I can't stop thinking why me? What did I do wrong? Will I ever be able to have a healthy baby? I have a history of very low progesterone levels, so will sustaining a pregnancy always be an issue? I know that it was a very early miscarriage. But it was still a baby to me. It was our baby, the size of an appleseed. My EDD would have been July 27, 2012. A summer baby. Instead, I'm left with this empty feeling. And now I'm just waiting for my period to start so we can start the ttc process all over again.
And I'm scared about that too. Will this happen again? My doctor said that I'll need to get through this spotting/bleeding first, wait for one more period, then we can try on our own without medication. If we don't get pregnant that cycle, we'll start taking the clomid again. It's just all so much to think about.
Someday, I really do hope that we'll have good news to share with everyone. So, someday, I hope to share this blog. Right now, I'm going to use it as a place to share what's on my mind and hopefully some fun things that are going on in our life too (I don't want to be too depressing all the time). I'll try to be as honest as possible through this process, but still being somewhat "reserved" since I may not want everyone in my family to read all the nitty gritty :)
I am so, so happy I was available when you called me that day. I am always here for you!! :)
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