Emergency room visit and surgery

What a crazy few days (I feel like I'm saying that every other post now-hopefully this will be the last).  As I mentioned in the last post, the doctor called and said I wouldn't need more shots on Wednesday.  Thursday during the day I felt good.  I left work excited for time off and Christmas.  I cleaned the house and took Wally for a nice, long walk before our date night.  I felt a little off all during dinner, but I figured that seemed to be the trend lately...having good times and bad.  The movie was sold out so we went home and watched Dexter.  

I woke up on Friday still not feeling great.  I ran errands and then my BFF came over.  We always get together around Christmas to exchange gifts and catch up.  This time was extra special.  She leaves for California the second week of January for her and her husband's new job.  So this was also our goodbye for a while.  We had a great day of sitting on the couch and chatting, eating Anita's, and exchanging gifts.  I felt bad for a being a lump on a log, but she kept telling me not to apologize.  Her husband, Jon, came and we all talked for a while before we said our goodbyes.  We almost made it without crying.  We've never lived this far apart and it was really hitting us that there wouldn't be any random weekend visits for a while.  I know though that no number of miles will ever change our friendship.  She has and always will be my BFF.  It's really hard to put our friendship into words.  There just will never be another Stephanie (and I would never want there to be one).  She's like the twin sister I don't have.  We can finish each others sentences, we have fun doing absolutely nothing, and she just gets me.  I can be myself and she still loves me.

Well, after they left, I decided to go to bed and get some rest.  Christmas Eve starts the holiday celebration for us and I wanted to feel better.  I had just changed into my PJs and knew something was not right.  I could hardly move.  I came downstairs shaking and told Aaron that we needed to go to the ER.  I changed my clothes and we headed to the hospital.  It's really a short drive, but in that much pain, it felt like forever.  Aaron dropped me off and they wheeled me to the waiting room.  Aaron came in shortly thereafter.  I was shaking from the pain the whole time the nurse was putting my info in the computer.  Soon they wheeled me to my "room."  Time kept ticking by.  I was given pain meds which were a lifesaver.  I needed an ultrasound which required a full bladder so they kept pumping fluid through my IV, but my bladder wasn't filling.  Finally the tech just did the ultrasound.  She kept whispering so I knew something wasn't right.

The intern doctor came back to get more info from me.  She said there was blood on the ultrasound but nothing alarming.  My doctor wanted me to stay in the observation unit for the night but they thought I would get to go home in a few hours.  Mind you, it's now 4 am and we'd been there since 11 pm.  I had slept on and off but poor Aaron was going on zero sleep.  The ER wasn't as entertaining as I thought it would have been.  There was one drunk guy who continuously puked all over himself.  The nurses who came in and out of my room were getting a kick out of telling us updates.  

Eventually they brought us to the observation unit.  Aaron left after about an hour.  I had fallen asleep.  I woke up to bright lights and a million people standing around room.  This couldn't be good.  And Aaron was gone letting out Wally and trying to get an hours worth of sleep (they told us rounds were at 8:30 am and he should be back for that...it was only 7 am).  Everyone started poking me and talking to me.  One of the doctors explained I needed surgery.  I'm not sure what happened between 4 am and 7 am, but something wasn't right.  A million thoughts raced through my head...what if I loose my tube, what if they can't stop the bleeding, will Aaron make it here?  I called and told him to hurry back.  I could tell he was upset that he wasn't there.  I called and woke up my mom.  She was upset.  Happy Christmas Eve, right?  They had to put in another IV, but I was scared and nervous which I guess makes it harder to find a vein.  So I had about a million huge pokes.  I could hardly breath because of all of the blood in my stomach.  It hurt to cry.  The nurses were amazing though.  They held my hand since Aaron wasn't there.  They kept reassuring me that everything would be ok.

I was wheeled up to the OR.  I met a new set of nurses who again deserve awards for their kindness.  Side note...I had to pee horribly at this point.  I had to use a bed pan...let's just say I hope to never experience that again.  Aaron made it just as they were about to take me to surgery.  I was so thankful I got to see him and tell him I loved him.  I know it wasn't a dangerous surgery, but it was scary nonetheless.  The next thing I knew I was waking up and they brought me to the recovery room.  Aaron said everything went great.  They removed tissue from my tube and got rid of the blood.  I didn't loose anything though.  Thank God.  The doctor said everything looked good and there was no reason that I wouldn't have a healthy pregnancy in the future.  These things just happen sometimes.  

We came home and slept for about an hour.  Then we got up and packed for Grand Rapids (the doctor said I was fine to travel that distance).  We opened our presents together and got in the car.  Christmas Eve is definitely a blur.  I felt like I ruined my family's Christmas (which they assured me I didn't).  We went to my in-laws on Christmas day.  By Monday I was feeling quite a bit better and almost 100% by Tuesday.  Now I'm just a little sore after 6 hours of no meds.  I see my OB today for a follow up visit and I see the surgeon next Friday for a follow up with them.

I am so thankful I'm ok.  I am so thankful for Aaron and all he's done.  He was a huge comfort and support at the hospital and has been a great daddy to Wally since we've been home.  I've been limited in what I can do and he's been a rock star.  I know I owe him big time once I'm completely healed :)  And I'm so thankful for all the well wishes from family and friends.  It's so nice to have such a big support system.  And the hospital we went to...what an amazing team of people.  The ER nurses were amazing.  The people who got me ready for surgery were amazing.  The OR nurses and doctors were amazing.  I was blessed with such a great group of people.  It definitely helped ease my discomfort and worry.  They were like a million moms running around kissing my scraped knee :)

Hopefully today's appointment and blood draw go well.  I know I've said it a million times, but I just want to be able to move on and stop having things thrown in my direction.  Hopefully Saturday's surgery was the last hurdle.

Prayers were answered...

Our prayers were finally answered.  Friday and Saturday I still felt "off."  Aaron and my dad were a huge help with Wally over the weekend, so I could take it easy.  I was feeling much better for our party on Sunday.  It was nice to see family and eat and chat all day. 

I had my second blood draw on Tuesday.  The nurse called Wednesday morning to say the numbers were going down but were not where they wanted them to be.  This meant a second round of shots.  So many thoughts were racing through my mind.  Why couldn't anything throughout this whole ordeal just work my way?  Every time I accept one thing, something else happens.  And I did not want to have to take those shots again.  I felt horrible after taking them.  I had to take time off of work, I couldn't eat because my stomach was so upset, I was convinced my tubes were going to be ruined.  I was an emotional wreck.  This is my favorite time of year, and the last thing I wanted was for Christmas to be ruined because I was sick.

The nurse said that they'd go against protocol if I wanted and have me go back for blood work on Wednesday (today).  If the levels weren't good, I'd have to have the shots then.  I went for my draw this morning.  I left at peace knowing it was out of my hands.  If I had to get more shots, I had to get more shots.  Aaron was all set to meet me at the hospital so I wouldn't have to be there alone again. 

The nurse called this morning and left a message saying my numbers looked great today.  No more shots.  I just have to go back now once a week to have my blood drawn until my numbers go to zero.  Finally, something worked.  I really just want to move on from this and be able to go on with life, enjoy the holidays and be thankful for what I have, and eventually move on to trying again.  Now it seems to be going in that direction.

I've thought a lot over the past few days about why this happened.  I really think that maybe God was letting me know that we will have children eventually, this little baby just wasn't meant to be.  Maybe He wanted me to know that we can get pregnant, because eventhough it wasn't a healthy pregnancy, I do know that we can get pregnant.  I think this also has really made my relationship with Aaron so much stronger.  I've obviously always loved him and I've always needed him.  But this was by far the hardest thing we've been through thus far.  I had more ups and downs than I can count.  He was so patient and he knew just what I needed when.  He let me cry, he cuddled with me, he took care of Wally, he bought me flowers :), he was amazing.  Maybe God wanted us to be stronger as a couple before we bring a little peanut into the world.  I don't know His exact reasons, but I know He has a plan.

Thank you to everyone who has helped in any way, shape, or form.  My mom who has been my voice of reason and always makes me laugh to keep my mind off the bad things.  My BFF who was the first person there when everything started going down hill and has been there every step of the way.  My SIL and MIL for giving their advice, listening, and keeping us in their thoughts and prayers.  Wally for all of the extra cuddles at night.  And Aaron...I've thought a lot about what I could do to thank my husband.  To show my appreciation for everything he's done over the past month.  He's been my everything.  I couldn't ask for a better husband :)

I know that we still have hurdles to get over, but for now I feel ok.  Hopefully this next week continues to go well.

The pain...physical and emotional

It has been quite an emotional past few days.  After my post on Tuesday, I started feeling horrible physically.  I wasn't doubled over but I definitely did not feel good.  I started crying and telling Aaron that I wasn't sure what we should do.  Should we go to the ER?  I am so thankful Aaron was with me at the doctor's appointment earlier in the day.  He reminded me that the doctor said all of the pain would be focused on one said and I would be doubled over unable to move.  He said he'd obviously support my decision to go, but it was nice to have those calm reminders.  I said goodnight and went to bed crying.  Like the amazing husband he is, he followed me upstairs and rubbed my back until I finally fell asleep.  I woke up on and off throughout the night.  I woke up the next day deciding that I needed a day off work both for my emotional health and I still wasn't feeling well. 

Wally and I cuddled all day and I watched way to many episodes of 19 Kids and Counting.  I was feeling better but still not great.  The doctor said a side effect would be cramping, but she never mentioned what I was feeling.  I debated calling the office on and off all day.  Thursday morning I finally called on my way to work.  She assured me again that as long as I wasn't doubled over, these were side effects that some women experience.  I don't feel well when I eat either so it's been hard to find something appetizing to eat. 

I go in today for my first follow up blood draw.  I go back Monday.  I am hoping and praying this all works.  I am so tired.  And I just want to feel ok again and be able to move on.  I pray I don't have to be one of the few who goes through multiple rounds of this drug.  Thankfully work has been understanding with no questions asked.

I've also decided that coming the New Year, I'm making an appointment with a specialist.  I've debated a million times over when the right time is.  We haven't been trying for that magic one year mark quite yet.  But I have a history of issues.  And clearly I don't want to have to go through this all again.  I like my OB, but I just don't feel like I was monitored how I should have been.  I would feel much better being in the care of someone who does this day in and day out.  I want to call an office where the nurses are special people with special skills to deal with some of the most emotional women and truly care.  I'm so thankful that I have a small support group of amazing women of close family and friends in my life who back me up 100%.  And Aaron knows that he should just always agree with everything :)

We are heading to Grand Rapids this weekend for a family Christmas party.  I'm really looking forward to relaxing and being with family.  There's nothing like a good dose of "mom" time to lift my spirits.

Doctor's Appointment: Part 2

The doctor called today around 2.  My numbers increased even more.  So many thoughts were going through my head.  Was she positive that this was ectopic and no chance that there was a healthy baby in there?  She said that based on the ultrasound, there was no baby where one should be.  I am far enough along that she should have seen something.  And my blood level really isn't high enough for a healthy baby being 7 weeks along.  

The hospital called to schedule the appointment for my shots for later in the afternoon.  I got in my car and called Aaron bawling.  I understand that God won't give me more than I can handle.  But it just seems like every time I finally accept one situation, something else is thrown at me.  I may sound like a broken record. Aaron was very supportive and said he'd drive up to the hospital if I needed him.  

I got to the hospital and the nurses could tell I was upset.  They were being very nice and asked if I wanted to wait for anyone.  I would only be at the hospital for 20 minutes, so by the time Aaron got there, it would be over.  I didn't want to make him drive all the way there again.  

Now I'm home and just hoping that this medicine helps my body heal.  I go back Friday and Monday for more blood work.  Then I have to go in once a week for blood work until my levels reach 0.  I am praying that that things now move in the right direction.  It's hard enough knowing that this wasn't a health pregnancy, but all of these tests and appointments just keep driving the stake further into my heart.

Hoping that Tuesday brings results moving in the right direction....

Doctor's Appointment: Part 1

Well, we had our doctor's appointment this morning.  I decided to have Aaron come with me.  Really, the only reason I was debating was because I was worried the doctor would like at me and wonder why he was there.  I thought about it and decided that he wanted to be there for me.  We're in this together.  Through the good and the bad and I need him.  So, we went into the room and they started the ultrasound.  I won't lie.  A tiny bit of me thought that maybe this would be our miracle.  Maybe their would be a tiny spot on the screen.  Unfortunately, that wasn't the case.  Surprisingly, I was at peace with what was there...the emptiness.  I have prayed about it and thought about it a lot.  What is meant to be will be.  I still have hope that we'll have our happy, healthy baby someday.  It's just not our turn yet.

Because my levels had gone up as I mentioned in the previous post, the doctor was/is worried about an ectopic pregnancy.  She said the goods news is that if it is ectopic, it's not big enough to see on the ultrasound.  So they are running more blood tests this afternoon.  And we sit and wait.  Several things could happen at this point.  Best case scenario, the levels have dropped again and I'll go back in a few days to recheck them.  Worst case scenario, the levels have stayed the same or gone up and I'll have to go to the hospital after work to be administered methotrexate.  I really, really hope that I don't have to worry about this.  She explained that this drug is actually sometimes used for chemo patients.  I'm assuming it will work to "kill" the cells in my body.  I just hope my body is going through the healing process on it's own.

Of course I've been googling too many things over the past few days.  What I've read tells me that once you have an ectopic pregnancy, you have a higher chance of going through it again.  I know too many who have had difficulties with getting pregnant which means I've heard a lot.  Are my tubes blocked?  Should I go through the blue dye test (can't remember the name) that helps to flush out your tubes and checks for blockages?  Is this going to happen again and again?  When will we be able to start trying again?  These thoughts are all constantly running through my head.  And unfortunately, my doctor doesn't have too many answers yet.  She said let's first see how the blood results turn out today.  Then we'll go from there.  I'm trying to remind myself...one step at a time.  For those who know me, I worry....all the time.  I'm not very good at controlling it.  But I know this is all really out of my hands.  So now I'm just sitting and waiting until the phone rings...hopefully soon.

Seriously? Emotional roller coaster...

Well I thought my body was finally getting back to normal.  I started bleeding more heavily, cramping, etc.  I've had weird "pains" or aches in my stomach on and off though.  Also, my stomach really felt odd for a few days every single time I ate (that has subsided thankfully).  I decided to call my doctor just to see her thoughts.  She wasn't overly concerned, but wrote me a script for blood work.  I went and had my blood drawn on Thursday after work.  There was a pregnant woman there, and I couldn't help but think, that was supposed to be me in a few months.  It wasn't that I had any resentment toward her...just an empty feeling that I'm now missing out.

Friday the doctor called with my results.  It was the actual doctor which I knew meant something was odd.  The nurse usually always calls back unless it's bad.  My beta has risen to 2,600.  For reference, it was 900 last Wednesday when they told me I was miscarrying.  Now it's back up.  The doctor is now worried about an ectopic pregnancy.  We scheduled an ultrasound for Tuesday morning, so now I'm playing the waiting game.  She said if I feel any extreme discomfort to call the office and head to the ER.  

I post occasionally on The Bump just to get other pregnant/ttc women's opinions. I immediately posted my situation.  It's a pretty large community so I figured there had to be other women in my same situation.  Comments were mixed...some said that they are going through the same thing and it was ectopic, others said theirs was actually a miscarried twin and the second turned into a healthy pregnancy.  I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up.  I know that I'm probably not that lucky. But I can't help but think that maybe this one time a miracle happened.  

I'm trying not to think about it until Tuesday.  I'm debating if I want Aaron to come with me.  If it's bad, I would love the emotional support.  But is it weird to have your husband come to an ultrasound when the news is most likely going to be confirmation of what your body has already been going through?  He said he'd definitely go if I wanted him to.  I guess I have a few days to think about it...

Holiday Fun

So on to some fun stuff.  Those who know me, know this is my absolute favorite time of year.  I love Christmas!  I love decorating, I love the smell of the house once the tree is up.  I love spending time with friends and family.


This year we've slowly been decorating.  I normally get it all done in one day, but this year I spread it out.  I am finally almost finished.  We just have to put the ornaments on the tree and wrap the presents, and then we are all set.


This is a wreath I've been working on for over a year that I saw on Pinterest last December.  It took FOREVER to wrap the form, so I ended up putting it on hold.  My mom came to visit this weekend so I finally finished it with her help.  I love how it turned out!

This was my attempt at taking a "glowing" Christmas tree picture I've seen on Pinterest.  It didn't really turn out so great.  I think I need a tripod to really make it work.

And un-Christmas related...my amazing husband bought me these flowers Friday to help brighten my week and even arranged them himself.  He knew just what I needed.  (And thanks to my BFF for the incredibly thoughtful card that I'm keeping to read whenever I'm having a bad day, and thanks to my mom for the girls' weekend that I needed.)

Shhhh....It's a Secret

It's not that I don't want to ever share our story with friends and family, just not quite yet.  There are bits and pieces that I've told my mom and my BFF.  They have been amazing listeners and have really helped me with the ups and downs.  It's just that we are only 7 months into our trying to conceive journey, and I still want there to be surprises.  I want to use this blog as a type of journal.  That means hopefully posting a positive pregnancy test again someday soon and posting weekly updates before we tell our friends and family.  


So, when I finally do share this blog with those close to us, I hope no one is upset that we didn't share the link sooner.  It was all meant with good intentions!

Something I never wished for...

I honestly never thought this would be the reason I would start a blog.  I had hoped creating a blog would come shortly after seeing that positive pregnancy test.  A way for us to remember everything.  A way for our family and friends to follow our journey.  


We've been trying to have a baby for 7 months now.  Which I know is really not that long.  I know too many people who have tried so much longer and have gone through so much heartache of their own.  But two weeks ago tomorrow, I finally saw that positive pregnancy test.  I had been traveling out of town and tested before I left to get nothing but a negative.  I held my head high and thought, "Well, only one more month, and then my OB wants us to see an RE.  At least there is hope in sight."  I had a great weekend visiting friends.  Because I'm taking certain medicine to help the "trying to get pregnant" along, I have to test on certain days and then stop the medicine if I get a negative pregnancy test (PT).  Well after spotting all weekend, I figured it would be negative, but tested that Monday night just so I could tell my doctor I did.  I couldn't believe what I saw.  It was positive.  I tried to not be excited and ran out to buy some digitals.  The test I took was a blue dye test which I've heard is notorious for false positives.  So I decided I'd test in the morning with the digital.  That next morning I peed on a stick again and brushed my teeth while watching that little hour glass tick away.  Holy crap...this one says positive too!  I couldn't stop thinking that it finally worked.  We were finally having a baby.  I called my doctor right away and she had me come in for a blood test.  Wednesday morning they called to confirm I had an hcg level of 34 which means that I was in fact pregnant but it was still very early.  Rewind to Tuesday, I finally told Aaron, my husband, when he got home from work that night.  I don't know how I made it that long.  But when I look back, I was really worried that this was all some big joke.  I didn't want to tell him unless I was sure.  And I was having so much spotting, I just didn't believe that it was all true.


We went out with friends Wednesday night and just before we left, I used the restroom.  I was bleeding really bad.  We were supposed to go to Grand Rapids to visit our families for Thanksgiving that night, but Aaron could see that I was too upset.  I couldn't stop crying.  I was only 4w6d pregnant so there was absolutely nothing an ER could do.  All three of us laid in bed and I just bawled. I finally fell asleep while Aaron was watching a movie.  I woke up on Thanksgiving and the bleeding had slowed.  I had horrible cramps and still was spotting all day Thursday and Friday.  The cramping went away on Saturday but the spotting remained.  I was having a really hard time pretending as if nothing was wrong around our family so we decided to head home a day early.  While I planned to tell my mom if I miscarried, I didn't want to say anything that weekend in case I was lucky enough that everything was still ok.  That wasn't the way I wanted to tell her she was finally going to be a grandma.


Monday rolled around and I had another blood test.  The doctor called that night and my hcg went up to 1300+ which a huge jump.  They want the numbers to at least double every 48-72 hours so that was an awesome number.  However, my progesterone was really low, only 4.5 (not great at all for a pregnant woman).  The doctor told me to stay positive and go back on Wednesday for more blood work.  That day I was supposed to travel for work and my doctor told me I needed to rest so I had to cancel that trip.  By now, I had a feeling everyone at work had a really good idea of what was going on, but I wasn't about to bare my soul.  Tuesday was the longest day ever.  Wednesday morning came and I had my blood drawn.  I had pretty bad bleeding again that morning.  The doctor called back to confirm my worst fears.  My hcg dropped to in the 900s.  My body was telling me this baby just wasn't meant to be.  I was miscarrying at 5w6d.


I can't even describe what was running through my mind.  I was at work trying to stop bawling.  Aaron was in a meeting so I couldn't call him.  My BFF, Stephanie, works from home right now, and I kept my fingers crossed that she'd be free to take a quick call.  She sat and listened to me for I don't know how long during the middle of her day.  It meant so much to me.  Just to hear her voice and know that she was there really helped me to step back and calm down.   


These past few days have been a complete roller coaster.  One minute I'm ok, the next minute I can't stop crying.  I'm trying not to take it out on Aaron or Wally, but I have snapped a few times.  I can't stop thinking why me?  What did I do wrong?  Will I ever be able to have a healthy baby?  I have a history of very low progesterone levels, so will sustaining a pregnancy always be an issue?  I know that it was a very early miscarriage.  But it was still a baby to me.  It was our baby, the size of an appleseed.  My EDD would have been July 27, 2012.  A summer baby.  Instead, I'm left with this empty feeling.  And now I'm just waiting for my period to start so we can start the ttc process all over again.


And I'm scared about that too.  Will this happen again?  My doctor said that I'll need to get through this spotting/bleeding first, wait for one more period, then we can try on our own without medication.  If we don't get pregnant that cycle, we'll start taking the clomid again.  It's just all so much to think about.


Someday, I really do hope that we'll have good news to share with everyone.  So, someday, I hope to share this blog.  Right now, I'm going to use it as a place to share what's on my mind and hopefully some fun things that are going on in our life too (I don't want to be too depressing all the time).  I'll try to be as honest as possible through this process, but still being somewhat "reserved" since I may not want everyone in my family to read all the nitty gritty :)